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Community Gives Up Following Tragedy

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Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
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Community Gives Up Following Tragedy

FORT SCOTT, KS—In the wake of a car accident that claimed the lives of four promising high schoolers, Fort Scott mayor Thomas Dietrich told reporters Monday that his shattered community had come together as one, acknowleged its horrible loss, and decided to "just call it quits."

Members of the football team will not honor their fallen peers at halftime, because Friday's game—and every future game—has been canceled.

"In devastating times such as these, reaching down deep and finding hope simply isn't possible," said Dietrich, who planned to resign his post later that afternoon. "The untimely deaths of star pole-vaulter Rich Jenkins, honor roll students Jamie Eisenhard and Beth Armonk, and senior class treasurer Kyle MacIntyre are more than we as a town can bear, much less use as an experience through which to learn about ourselves and grow closer, emerging from our collective grief stronger than we were before."

"Honestly, I don't see the people of Fort Scott looking to one another for solace during this trying time, or really looking to one another for anything ever again," Dietrich continued. "This is all just so…sad. Much, much too sad for us to pick up the pieces and bravely move forward."

In the days since the accident, Fort Scott has not seen an outpouring of mutual support, and the intersection where the teens were killed remains completely free of any improvised memorials featuring flowers, poems, snapshots, or crosses. According to Dietrich, a candlelight vigil in the center of town was "totally out of the question," as residents determined it would not bring any closure to the situation at all and would, instead, make everyone even sadder.

Sources at Fort Scott High School said there are also no plans to honor the students' memories with an annual scholarship or even a dedication in the 2010 yearbook, the printing of which has been canceled altogether in the face of such overwhelming adversity.

"Reflecting on the lives of these amazing kids and how they touched so many during their short time with us—who in their right mind would want to do that?" Dietrich said. "It would only remind us all of how awful and insurmountable this whole situation already is. No, we have to gather ourselves up and begin to look to the future. Specifically, a future in which we abandon this doomed place and go our own separate ways."

"It's what Rich, Jamie, Beth, and Kyle would have wanted," Dietrich added.

According to the mayor's office, the healing process will never begin, and the emotional scars left by the tragedy will remain open, festering wounds, worsening each year, for decade upon decade, until every resident of Fort Scott is dead and the memory of this horrifying event can finally be laid to rest.

"One day we'll all be able to look back at this and feel just as heartbroken, helpless, and angry as we do right now," Dietrich said. "We could perhaps find some solace in the thought that those four young kids live on forever inside each and every one of us, but they don't. They're dead."

Though the young victims were laid to rest less than a week ago, Fort Scott has already seen an exodus of more than a third of its former population of 7,941. Those uprooting their lives and fleeing their homes acknowledged the 154-year-old town has much to be proud of, but stressed that it would never be able to bounce back from the accident.

"When something this terrible happens, it's important to remember that it's all part of God's plan," hardware store owner Bill Stensland said as he boarded up the windows of his business. "And that plan is for all of us to leave Fort Scott for good and never speak to one another again."

"The sooner everyone realizes we won't ever be able to come to terms with this, the better," Stensland added.

Kansas governor Mark Parkinson has reportedly not offered his condolences to Fort Scott, calling the community's actions in the aftermath of the tragedy "a testament to the completely domitable nature of the human spirit."

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