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Community Gives Up Following Tragedy

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
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Community Gives Up Following Tragedy

FORT SCOTT, KS—In the wake of a car accident that claimed the lives of four promising high schoolers, Fort Scott mayor Thomas Dietrich told reporters Monday that his shattered community had come together as one, acknowleged its horrible loss, and decided to "just call it quits."

Members of the football team will not honor their fallen peers at halftime, because Friday's game—and every future game—has been canceled.

"In devastating times such as these, reaching down deep and finding hope simply isn't possible," said Dietrich, who planned to resign his post later that afternoon. "The untimely deaths of star pole-vaulter Rich Jenkins, honor roll students Jamie Eisenhard and Beth Armonk, and senior class treasurer Kyle MacIntyre are more than we as a town can bear, much less use as an experience through which to learn about ourselves and grow closer, emerging from our collective grief stronger than we were before."

"Honestly, I don't see the people of Fort Scott looking to one another for solace during this trying time, or really looking to one another for anything ever again," Dietrich continued. "This is all just so…sad. Much, much too sad for us to pick up the pieces and bravely move forward."

In the days since the accident, Fort Scott has not seen an outpouring of mutual support, and the intersection where the teens were killed remains completely free of any improvised memorials featuring flowers, poems, snapshots, or crosses. According to Dietrich, a candlelight vigil in the center of town was "totally out of the question," as residents determined it would not bring any closure to the situation at all and would, instead, make everyone even sadder.

Sources at Fort Scott High School said there are also no plans to honor the students' memories with an annual scholarship or even a dedication in the 2010 yearbook, the printing of which has been canceled altogether in the face of such overwhelming adversity.

"Reflecting on the lives of these amazing kids and how they touched so many during their short time with us—who in their right mind would want to do that?" Dietrich said. "It would only remind us all of how awful and insurmountable this whole situation already is. No, we have to gather ourselves up and begin to look to the future. Specifically, a future in which we abandon this doomed place and go our own separate ways."

"It's what Rich, Jamie, Beth, and Kyle would have wanted," Dietrich added.

According to the mayor's office, the healing process will never begin, and the emotional scars left by the tragedy will remain open, festering wounds, worsening each year, for decade upon decade, until every resident of Fort Scott is dead and the memory of this horrifying event can finally be laid to rest.

"One day we'll all be able to look back at this and feel just as heartbroken, helpless, and angry as we do right now," Dietrich said. "We could perhaps find some solace in the thought that those four young kids live on forever inside each and every one of us, but they don't. They're dead."

Though the young victims were laid to rest less than a week ago, Fort Scott has already seen an exodus of more than a third of its former population of 7,941. Those uprooting their lives and fleeing their homes acknowledged the 154-year-old town has much to be proud of, but stressed that it would never be able to bounce back from the accident.

"When something this terrible happens, it's important to remember that it's all part of God's plan," hardware store owner Bill Stensland said as he boarded up the windows of his business. "And that plan is for all of us to leave Fort Scott for good and never speak to one another again."

"The sooner everyone realizes we won't ever be able to come to terms with this, the better," Stensland added.

Kansas governor Mark Parkinson has reportedly not offered his condolences to Fort Scott, calling the community's actions in the aftermath of the tragedy "a testament to the completely domitable nature of the human spirit."

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