Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video

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Vol 31 Issue 20

Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a move expected to spark debate and excitement among fans, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine producers announced Monday that next week a new alien character will appear on the show possessing "completely different" forehead wrinkles from those of any previous alien. According to make-up artist Rick Baker, "We're very excited to feature a character whose forehead wrinkles look nothing like those of either a Klingon or Romulan or Bajoran or Ferengi or Cardassian. They're like no other forehead wrinkles we've ever created."

Everything A Joke To Local Teen

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—It was revealed Tuesday that everything—from school work to Sunday church services, from requests to clean up his room to inquisitions regarding his future employment prospects—is a joke to area teen Denny Norris. "Everything's a joke to that punk," Denny's father, Walter Norris, said. "I asked him to mow the lawn two weeks ago, and just look at it. He'll go out with his friends, but when was the last time he helped out around here, for crying out loud?" In addition to categorizing all occurrences as jokes, Norris reportedly believes he is going to have it made in the shade forever. When asked for comment by reporters, Norris stated, "Yeah, I got a comment for you: Suck my ass." In speaking to the press, Norris did not identify himself by his given name, but rather by the alternate name of "Heywood Jablomi."

Rwandan Refugees Angered Over Lack Of AOL Access

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO—A group of more than 100,000 Rwandan refugees, forced from their homes by war and ravaged by starvation, are now facing a new problem: the difficulty or outright inability to connect to America Online. "Last night I spent almost an hour trying to connect," Ndeti Mwana, 31, said, "and still I could not. I have not played NTN trivia in over a week." Countless other refugees are praying that they have not missed any important e-mail. AOL officials are working around the clock with the U.N.'s High Commission For Refugees to set up makeshift emergency e-mail stations along the Rwanda-Congo border. "I fear the gods have forsaken us," refugee Malanda Lumbushi said. "Will I ever chat with my e-pal, Vader1138, again?"

Heroin Chic

President Clinton spoke out last week against "heroin chic," the glamorization of heroin use through fashion ads depicting emaciated, strung-out-looking models. What do you think?
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Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video

PLEASANT, NC—Outraged community members are mounting an aggressive public protest campaign this week in response to an X-rated videotape availiable at Pleasant's Video Villa video store, claiming that the tape does not contain the "Spectacular All-Anal Action" promised on its cover.

Outraged citizens of Pleasant, NC, are banding together in protest of a pornographic video that they say is a far cry from the "Two-Hour, Wall-2-Wall, Deep-Probing, Ass-Flesh Fuck-Fest" promised on its box.

"Are we as citizens expected to just sit back and allow this sort of garbage to go on?" said Pleasant school board president Edwin Thistlewaite, during a protest this morning at City Hall. "I paid to see chicks getting fucked in the ass, and that's what I want. I think I speak for all decent Americans in saying so."

"This is false advertising, plain and simple," agreed area resident and mother of two Janice Ferguson, speaking before an assembled crowd of more than 1,500. "My husband and I have both viewed this piece of trash, and believe me, it barely even shows bush until at least 20 minutes in—a far cry indeed from the 'Non-Stop Carnal Cum-ucopia' advertised on the box."

Over shouts of agreement from the crowd, she added: "Is this the sort of hardcore pornography we want to see in our homes? I think not! I say the people of Midvale County deserve better!"

Though the controversial film, Butt-Fuck Sluts Go Nuts Vol. 29, does contain some graphic depictions of anal intercourse, the citizens' group asserts that the film does not even come close to living up to the box's claim that it is a "Two-Hour, Wall-2-Wall, Deep-Probing, Ass-Flesh Fuck-Fest." The group is demanding the inclusion of drastically more explicit prurient material before it will back down.

"I rely on tapes like this every day to provide me with the vicarious, onanistic anal thrills I crave," area dentist and anal-pornography enthusiast Dr. Gus Ferbacher told reporters. "I stroked myself for over an hour, and I barely even got it up once. Where's the stuff I can really pump my meat over: the double penetrations, the all-lesbian strap-on dildoing, the spread-eagled, six-finger bend-overs? That's what I want to know."

Parents' groups from throughout the state are echoing the local protesters' complaints. Said Sandra Hamm, director of the Center For The Family in nearby Plovis: "There are, what, eight or nine chicks in this movie and maybe two of them take it in the ass, tops," Hamm said. "That's utterly unacceptable."

Pleasant resident Charlotte Kendall voiced her concerns at a town meeting held Monday night in the basement of Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church. "If we can't trust the manufacturers of hardcore pornography to tell us truthfully what kind of explicit sex we can honestly expect to see, then who can we trust?" Kendall said.

Though legal scholars say that objectionable material has proven difficult to legally prosecute in the past, they believe that this time the protesters may have a case.

"The videotape is clearly inferior to comparable releases, not only in the tame, unexciting way the sex acts are performed, but in that the performers themselves are not particlarly good-looking," University of Chicago law school dean and noted censorship expert Henry Lattimore said. Pointing to a nearby television monitor displaying a scene from the video in question depicting two women shaving each other's pubic regions, Lattimore said, "Just look at these chicks. They're not hot at all."

Even more critical of the tape is North Carolina Fifth Circuit Judge Roy A. Beers. According to Beers, though some scenes do depict what is obviously rear-entry, or "doggie"-type intercourse, it is unclear whether the penetrations are in fact anal or merely vaginal. "Without tight, close-up insertion shots of lubed-up, slippery cock actually pumping the rectal opening, we cannot be 100 percent certain whether these scenes constitute legitimate butt-reaming or simply an attempt to pass off standard, vaginal fucking as that of the butt-reaming variety," an opinion paper submitted by Beers to the North Carolina Supreme Court read.

Lawyers representing Video Villa defended the tape's content. "Young, eager sluts are clearly visible spreading their hot, wet pussies and bungholes," attorney Leslie MacKinnon said. "Furthermore, throughout the course of the video, interracial lesbian three-ways; solo female masturbation; and penetration with a variety of dildos and vibratory devices are all well represented. In view of these facts, my client feels that his customers are getting their three dollars' worth."

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