adBlockCheck

Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video

PLEASANT, NC—Outraged community members are mounting an aggressive public protest campaign this week in response to an X-rated videotape availiable at Pleasant's Video Villa video store, claiming that the tape does not contain the "Spectacular All-Anal Action" promised on its cover.

Outraged citizens of Pleasant, NC, are banding together in protest of a pornographic video that they say is a far cry from the "Two-Hour, Wall-2-Wall, Deep-Probing, Ass-Flesh Fuck-Fest" promised on its box.

"Are we as citizens expected to just sit back and allow this sort of garbage to go on?" said Pleasant school board president Edwin Thistlewaite, during a protest this morning at City Hall. "I paid to see chicks getting fucked in the ass, and that's what I want. I think I speak for all decent Americans in saying so."

"This is false advertising, plain and simple," agreed area resident and mother of two Janice Ferguson, speaking before an assembled crowd of more than 1,500. "My husband and I have both viewed this piece of trash, and believe me, it barely even shows bush until at least 20 minutes in—a far cry indeed from the 'Non-Stop Carnal Cum-ucopia' advertised on the box."

Over shouts of agreement from the crowd, she added: "Is this the sort of hardcore pornography we want to see in our homes? I think not! I say the people of Midvale County deserve better!"

Though the controversial film, Butt-Fuck Sluts Go Nuts Vol. 29, does contain some graphic depictions of anal intercourse, the citizens' group asserts that the film does not even come close to living up to the box's claim that it is a "Two-Hour, Wall-2-Wall, Deep-Probing, Ass-Flesh Fuck-Fest." The group is demanding the inclusion of drastically more explicit prurient material before it will back down.

"I rely on tapes like this every day to provide me with the vicarious, onanistic anal thrills I crave," area dentist and anal-pornography enthusiast Dr. Gus Ferbacher told reporters. "I stroked myself for over an hour, and I barely even got it up once. Where's the stuff I can really pump my meat over: the double penetrations, the all-lesbian strap-on dildoing, the spread-eagled, six-finger bend-overs? That's what I want to know."

Parents' groups from throughout the state are echoing the local protesters' complaints. Said Sandra Hamm, director of the Center For The Family in nearby Plovis: "There are, what, eight or nine chicks in this movie and maybe two of them take it in the ass, tops," Hamm said. "That's utterly unacceptable."

Pleasant resident Charlotte Kendall voiced her concerns at a town meeting held Monday night in the basement of Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church. "If we can't trust the manufacturers of hardcore pornography to tell us truthfully what kind of explicit sex we can honestly expect to see, then who can we trust?" Kendall said.

Though legal scholars say that objectionable material has proven difficult to legally prosecute in the past, they believe that this time the protesters may have a case.

"The videotape is clearly inferior to comparable releases, not only in the tame, unexciting way the sex acts are performed, but in that the performers themselves are not particlarly good-looking," University of Chicago law school dean and noted censorship expert Henry Lattimore said. Pointing to a nearby television monitor displaying a scene from the video in question depicting two women shaving each other's pubic regions, Lattimore said, "Just look at these chicks. They're not hot at all."

Even more critical of the tape is North Carolina Fifth Circuit Judge Roy A. Beers. According to Beers, though some scenes do depict what is obviously rear-entry, or "doggie"-type intercourse, it is unclear whether the penetrations are in fact anal or merely vaginal. "Without tight, close-up insertion shots of lubed-up, slippery cock actually pumping the rectal opening, we cannot be 100 percent certain whether these scenes constitute legitimate butt-reaming or simply an attempt to pass off standard, vaginal fucking as that of the butt-reaming variety," an opinion paper submitted by Beers to the North Carolina Supreme Court read.

Lawyers representing Video Villa defended the tape's content. "Young, eager sluts are clearly visible spreading their hot, wet pussies and bungholes," attorney Leslie MacKinnon said. "Furthermore, throughout the course of the video, interracial lesbian three-ways; solo female masturbation; and penetration with a variety of dildos and vibratory devices are all well represented. In view of these facts, my client feels that his customers are getting their three dollars' worth."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close