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Commuting Tips

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Commuting Tips

Americans, on average, spend nearly half an hour commuting to and from their jobs. Here are some tips to make the ride go more smoothly:

Commuting Tips


  • To ensure an orderly security-screening procedure, arrive at your corner bus stop at least two hours in advance.
  • An office carpool is a great way to increase your levels of stress, small talk, and coffee spilled in your lap, as well as the amount of time you spend with people you can just barely tolerate.
  • Don't take the train. Sooner or later, everyone who travels via train gets chased along the tops of the cars by crooks.
  • If you can bear to do without the showiness, you'll save a lot of time by killing yourself at home instead of at the office.
  • Public transportation is an efficient and environmentally friendly way for poor people to get to work.
  • Speeding causes 25,000 deaths each year, but unfortunately, it's the only way to get to work faster.
  • Drive-time traffic can seem unbearable, but remember: Your local drive-time radio hosts and their wild, zany antics are there to remind you that your life could be worse.
  • Commute using an autogyro. They rule!
  • Your choice of reading material for the bus is very important. Displaying Harry Potter books could get you mugged, but no one fucks with a guy reading "Surviving The Imminent Nuclear Holocaust."
  • Stay focused on the road. Try not to think about all of the wonderful experiences that await you on the roads that don't lead to work.
  • Tip your morning gondolier well, and he'll likely wait for you outside of your workplace in the evening.
  • Don't commute to work today. Instead, stay home and play games and watch cartoons, or maybe we can go to the zoo. (Tip submitted by Tommy, age 4.)
  • If the highway is congested and slows your commute, consider taking my way.
  • Stuck in traffic that won't budge? Why not take off your shirt and rub oil on your breasts—you, the redhead in the silver Passat.
  • When commuting, you're a cog in the intricate, well-oiled machinery of urban society. Remember, machine parts aren't supposed to weep.
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