Commuting Tips

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Vol 40 Issue 19

Halliburton Employee's Pay Docked For Weeks Spent As Hostage

BAGHDAD—Spokesmen for Halliburton International announced Monday that employee Thomas Hamill will not be paid for the three weeks he failed to fulfill his truck-driving duties while being held at gunpoint by Iraqi captors. "While we share your joy in regaining your freedom, we are forced to withhold your wages for the period of April 9 to May 2," read the official corporate reprimand, which reached Hamill in Germany as doctors treated his bullet wound. "A disciplinary slip noting your failure to report to work has been added to your employee file." Halliburton has not yet disclosed the amount Hamill is being charged for structural damage to the company truck he was shot in.

House Inappropriations Committee Suggests Nation's Women Dress A Little Sexier

WASHINGTON, DC—In a policy initiative released Monday, the chairman of the House Inappropriations Committee suggested that the women of America start to dress a little more provocatively. "Why don't they wear some shorter skirts?" U.S. Rep. Bill Young (R-FL) said. "They've got nice legs. They should show 'em off." Young said he could offer American females even more suggestions if Congress would underwrite a fact-finding tour to Miami Beach.

Bathroom Too Disgusting To Shit In

AUSTIN, TX—The men's bathroom at area rock club Emo's was declared too repulsive for the emptying of concertgoer Max Risdy's bowels Saturday night. "The floor was covered with water, there was toilet paper and garbage everywhere, and it smelled disgusting," Risdy said, wincing at the memory Monday. "It was really not the kind of place you want to leave a big pile of digested food matter after squeezing it through your rectum from the depths of your bowels." Risdy added that the area near the music venue's stage was too loud and crowded.

Film-School Graduate Goes Straight To Video-Store Job

SANTA MONICA, CA—The theatrical career of recent USC School of Cinema-Television graduate Neil Hemmitt was put on hold indefinitely as the aspiring director went straight to video-store clerking Monday. "The big studios never gave me a chance," Hemmitt said, as he shelved a Big Fish DVD at Blockbuster. "But it's because they didn't understand me." Hemmitt's producers, Harold and Francine Hemmitt, pulled his financial support in March, after calling his predicament "hardly original."

Sugar Baby

Ever notice how big things happen when you least expect them? You settle into a routine, and you go along like that for years, but then, suddenly, the bottom drops out from under you? I used to think these sort of jolts happened to other people, and not an "old reliable" like me. Not true, it turns out!

Iraqi Prisoner Abuse

Though the Bush Administration apologized for U.S. abuse of Iraqi prisoners, some feel the coalition's reputation has suffered irreparable damage. What do you think?
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Commuting Tips

Americans, on average, spend nearly half an hour commuting to and from their jobs. Here are some tips to make the ride go more smoothly:

Commuting Tips


  • To ensure an orderly security-screening procedure, arrive at your corner bus stop at least two hours in advance.
  • An office carpool is a great way to increase your levels of stress, small talk, and coffee spilled in your lap, as well as the amount of time you spend with people you can just barely tolerate.
  • Don't take the train. Sooner or later, everyone who travels via train gets chased along the tops of the cars by crooks.
  • If you can bear to do without the showiness, you'll save a lot of time by killing yourself at home instead of at the office.
  • Public transportation is an efficient and environmentally friendly way for poor people to get to work.
  • Speeding causes 25,000 deaths each year, but unfortunately, it's the only way to get to work faster.
  • Drive-time traffic can seem unbearable, but remember: Your local drive-time radio hosts and their wild, zany antics are there to remind you that your life could be worse.
  • Commute using an autogyro. They rule!
  • Your choice of reading material for the bus is very important. Displaying Harry Potter books could get you mugged, but no one fucks with a guy reading "Surviving The Imminent Nuclear Holocaust."
  • Stay focused on the road. Try not to think about all of the wonderful experiences that await you on the roads that don't lead to work.
  • Tip your morning gondolier well, and he'll likely wait for you outside of your workplace in the evening.
  • Don't commute to work today. Instead, stay home and play games and watch cartoons, or maybe we can go to the zoo. (Tip submitted by Tommy, age 4.)
  • If the highway is congested and slows your commute, consider taking my way.
  • Stuck in traffic that won't budge? Why not take off your shirt and rub oil on your breasts—you, the redhead in the silver Passat.
  • When commuting, you're a cog in the intricate, well-oiled machinery of urban society. Remember, machine parts aren't supposed to weep.
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