adBlockCheck

Commuting Tips

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Commuting Tips

Americans, on average, spend nearly half an hour commuting to and from their jobs. Here are some tips to make the ride go more smoothly:

Commuting Tips


  • To ensure an orderly security-screening procedure, arrive at your corner bus stop at least two hours in advance.
  • An office carpool is a great way to increase your levels of stress, small talk, and coffee spilled in your lap, as well as the amount of time you spend with people you can just barely tolerate.
  • Don't take the train. Sooner or later, everyone who travels via train gets chased along the tops of the cars by crooks.
  • If you can bear to do without the showiness, you'll save a lot of time by killing yourself at home instead of at the office.
  • Public transportation is an efficient and environmentally friendly way for poor people to get to work.
  • Speeding causes 25,000 deaths each year, but unfortunately, it's the only way to get to work faster.
  • Drive-time traffic can seem unbearable, but remember: Your local drive-time radio hosts and their wild, zany antics are there to remind you that your life could be worse.
  • Commute using an autogyro. They rule!
  • Your choice of reading material for the bus is very important. Displaying Harry Potter books could get you mugged, but no one fucks with a guy reading "Surviving The Imminent Nuclear Holocaust."
  • Stay focused on the road. Try not to think about all of the wonderful experiences that await you on the roads that don't lead to work.
  • Tip your morning gondolier well, and he'll likely wait for you outside of your workplace in the evening.
  • Don't commute to work today. Instead, stay home and play games and watch cartoons, or maybe we can go to the zoo. (Tip submitted by Tommy, age 4.)
  • If the highway is congested and slows your commute, consider taking my way.
  • Stuck in traffic that won't budge? Why not take off your shirt and rub oil on your breasts—you, the redhead in the silver Passat.
  • When commuting, you're a cog in the intricate, well-oiled machinery of urban society. Remember, machine parts aren't supposed to weep.
  • Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

    Give your spam filter something to do.

    X Close