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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Commuting Tips

Americans, on average, spend nearly half an hour commuting to and from their jobs. Here are some tips to make the ride go more smoothly:

Commuting Tips


  • To ensure an orderly security-screening procedure, arrive at your corner bus stop at least two hours in advance.
  • An office carpool is a great way to increase your levels of stress, small talk, and coffee spilled in your lap, as well as the amount of time you spend with people you can just barely tolerate.
  • Don't take the train. Sooner or later, everyone who travels via train gets chased along the tops of the cars by crooks.
  • If you can bear to do without the showiness, you'll save a lot of time by killing yourself at home instead of at the office.
  • Public transportation is an efficient and environmentally friendly way for poor people to get to work.
  • Speeding causes 25,000 deaths each year, but unfortunately, it's the only way to get to work faster.
  • Drive-time traffic can seem unbearable, but remember: Your local drive-time radio hosts and their wild, zany antics are there to remind you that your life could be worse.
  • Commute using an autogyro. They rule!
  • Your choice of reading material for the bus is very important. Displaying Harry Potter books could get you mugged, but no one fucks with a guy reading "Surviving The Imminent Nuclear Holocaust."
  • Stay focused on the road. Try not to think about all of the wonderful experiences that await you on the roads that don't lead to work.
  • Tip your morning gondolier well, and he'll likely wait for you outside of your workplace in the evening.
  • Don't commute to work today. Instead, stay home and play games and watch cartoons, or maybe we can go to the zoo. (Tip submitted by Tommy, age 4.)
  • If the highway is congested and slows your commute, consider taking my way.
  • Stuck in traffic that won't budge? Why not take off your shirt and rub oil on your breasts—you, the redhead in the silver Passat.
  • When commuting, you're a cog in the intricate, well-oiled machinery of urban society. Remember, machine parts aren't supposed to weep.
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