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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Company Posts Job Listing As If Position Not Already Filled By Existing Employee's Friend

WALTHAM, MA—Software developer WebTek Network Solutions went ahead and posted a listing for a job this morning as if the purportedly open position hadn’t already been promised to a friend of one the company’s current employees, sources confirmed Monday. “Seeking full-time sales rep for rapidly growing software business,” reads the Monster.com listing, as though the company were actively seeking a qualified individual to fill the position and hadn’t already informally hired a college roommate of WebTek associate marketing director Jeff Corbett. “Desired candidate must be energetic self-starter willing to expand client base in multiple targeted growth sectors. We offer comprehensive benefits, telecommuting opportunities, and a highly competitive base salary + bonuses. Starts immediately.” At press time, WebTek’s human resources manager had reportedly called five leading applicants to set up in-person interviews for the nonexistent position.

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