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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Company To Get Head Start On Christmas Layoffs This Year

OAK BROOK, IL—Confirming their intention not to wait until the last minute the way they usually do, executives at Visatex Inc. said Friday they planned to get an early start on this year's Christmas layoffs. "I'm always so busy that I've been getting to our layoff list later and later each holiday season," said CEO Thomas Bar≠naby, adding that some of his more organized executive friends get all their terminations out of the way by Thanksgiving. "Last year we got so backed up that a few people didn't find out they were getting let go until Christmas Eve." Company officials added that they hoped the head start would give them a chance to actually relax and enjoy the holidays for once.

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