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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Company To Use Internet To Waste Money, Employees’ Time

SAN FRANCISCO—An area medical supply firm unveiled plans yesterday to waste both money and employees’ time via the internet. ”By entering ‘cyberspace,’ we can reduce worker productivity and increase expenses exorbitantly at the same time,” said Stanley Habert, CEO of Syrus Industries. The company has already seen results: “Employees waste up to 50 percent more time than before,” accountant Steve Piersall said. “All the more exciting is that this is costing us, in terms of modem purchases and web-server time, upwards of $80,000 per week.” Syrus may also go “on-line” with a “website.”

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