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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Company To Use Internet To Waste Money, Employees’ Time

SAN FRANCISCO—An area medical supply firm unveiled plans yesterday to waste both money and employees’ time via the internet. ”By entering ‘cyberspace,’ we can reduce worker productivity and increase expenses exorbitantly at the same time,” said Stanley Habert, CEO of Syrus Industries. The company has already seen results: “Employees waste up to 50 percent more time than before,” accountant Steve Piersall said. “All the more exciting is that this is costing us, in terms of modem purchases and web-server time, upwards of $80,000 per week.” Syrus may also go “on-line” with a “website.”

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