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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Company's Employees Spend Entire Day Touching Base

SEATTLE—According to sources, employees at Gibbons Tech Supply Distribution spent most of Monday touching base. "I'm going to touch base with Kevin on this, and then let's loop Amy in just so we're all on the same page," said Peter McEntire, supervising manager for Gibbons Tech, who spent five of his eight-hour workday touching base with clients via e-mail and CC'ing coworkers. "It's important to make sure everyone's up to speed." Sources re­ported that by day's end, all essential Gibbons employees had been filled in except for assistant sales manager Ted Breskin.

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