Company's Employees Spend Entire Day Touching Base

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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

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Company's Employees Spend Entire Day Touching Base

SEATTLE—According to sources, employees at Gibbons Tech Supply Distribution spent most of Monday touching base. "I'm going to touch base with Kevin on this, and then let's loop Amy in just so we're all on the same page," said Peter McEntire, supervising manager for Gibbons Tech, who spent five of his eight-hour workday touching base with clients via e-mail and CC'ing coworkers. "It's important to make sure everyone's up to speed." Sources re­ported that by day's end, all essential Gibbons employees had been filled in except for assistant sales manager Ted Breskin.