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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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Company’s HR Manager Really Pushing Infinite-Deductible Health Care Plan

Schultz touts the infinite-deductible health plan’s $110 monthly premium, which she said is less than a third of the cost of the company’s PPO.
Schultz touts the infinite-deductible health plan’s $110 monthly premium, which she said is less than a third of the cost of the company’s PPO.

ROCHESTER, NY—During a meeting with new hires Wednesday to discuss employee benefits, Radian Analytics human resources manager Ellen Schultz is said to have strongly pushed the company’s infinite-deductible health care option.

According to sources in attendance, Schultz described the low-premium, infinite-deductible plan as the simplest and most convenient choice available to employees, and said it works the same whether plan members need to visit their primary care physician, fill a prescription, or be admitted to a hospital, allowing them in each case to pay 100 percent of the incurred medical expenses.

Company officials explained that the health care option had been set up to address complaints employees had with previous plans, which often came with confusing paperwork and long wait times for reimbursement, problems that have disappeared now that the limitless deductibles have eliminated any need to even bother filing a claim.

“With our Infinity Plan, you’ll see only a very small amount deducted from each paycheck, and then all you’ll have to do is pay as you go for whatever health care you may need,” said Schultz, adding that employees who select the package will never need to worry about obtaining preauthorization for any procedure and can simply pay a bill in full upon receiving it from their medical provider. “What’s more, it doesn’t matter if your doctor is in-network or out-of-network. The coverage is the same either way.”

“It really couldn’t be any easier: Absolutely no services or medications are excluded from the plan, and there’s no annual cap on benefits,” she continued. “In other words, you can use the Infinity Plan for anything, and use it as much as you want—no ifs, ands, or buts.”

Schultz went on to state that under most other health insurance plans, patients are responsible for co-pays in addition to their deductible, charges of $50, $100, or sometimes more that can add up quickly and unexpectedly. However, she said, there are no such co-pays under the Infinity Plan, so those who join it can rest assured that every cent they pay out of pocket will be applied directly to their infinite deductible.

Company officials explained that the health care option had been set up to address complaints employees had with previous plans, which often came with confusing paperwork and long wait times for reimbursement, problems that have disappeared now that the limitless deductibles have eliminated any need to even bother filing a claim.

“Best of all, the Infinity Plan lets you set up a health savings account, so you can pay the full list price of every single drug or medical procedure you need with pre-tax income and a convenient debit card,” said Schultz, noting that the policy also covers all dental work, elective cosmetic procedures, and specialist visits, with or without a referral. “We have year-round open enrollment for this option, so you can join anytime you like and even apply it retroactively back to your first day of employment.”

“For those of you with dependents, I’d recommend the Infinity Plus Plan, which has a slightly higher premium but comes with one infinite deductible for your whole family,” Schultz added.

At press time, Schultz was reportedly explaining to the new hires that all 401(k) contributions made by employees would be matched with a dollar-for-dollar withdrawal by the company.

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