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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Complete Fucking Idiot Considers Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov Russia’s Most Inventive Orchestrator

BOSTON—Making an utter fool of himself in front of company Monday night, local resident and complete fucking moron Tony Penneman actually voiced aloud his opinion that Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov is “the most inventive orchestrator in the history of Russian classical music,” sources reported. “The whole of Scheherazade alone—but particularly how the fourth movement stays at once coherent and brilliant—cements his status as Russia’s master of symphonic color,” the ignorant fuckwad actually said, flapping his gums as though anyone would give a flying shit about Rimsky-Korsakov had Alexander Glazunov’s music not caught the eye of their eventual patron, Mitrofan Belyayev. “Even his lesser works like The Snow Maiden or Vera Sheloga have so much to teach today’s composer-arrangers, who no doubt owe a deep debt of gratitude to Rimsky-Korsakov for his virtuosity.” At press time, sources were plugging their ears so as not to have to hear Penneman’s dumbass proclamation that Italian librettists don’t come finer than Giuseppe Giacosa.

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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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