adBlockCheck

Complete Fucking Idiot Considers Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov Russia’s Most Inventive Orchestrator

Top Headlines

International

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Complete Fucking Idiot Considers Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov Russia’s Most Inventive Orchestrator

BOSTON—Making an utter fool of himself in front of company Monday night, local resident and complete fucking moron Tony Penneman actually voiced aloud his opinion that Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov is “the most inventive orchestrator in the history of Russian classical music,” sources reported. “The whole of Scheherazade alone—but particularly how the fourth movement stays at once coherent and brilliant—cements his status as Russia’s master of symphonic color,” the ignorant fuckwad actually said, flapping his gums as though anyone would give a flying shit about Rimsky-Korsakov had Alexander Glazunov’s music not caught the eye of their eventual patron, Mitrofan Belyayev. “Even his lesser works like The Snow Maiden or Vera Sheloga have so much to teach today’s composer-arrangers, who no doubt owe a deep debt of gratitude to Rimsky-Korsakov for his virtuosity.” At press time, sources were plugging their ears so as not to have to hear Penneman’s dumbass proclamation that Italian librettists don’t come finer than Giuseppe Giacosa.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close