adBlockCheck

Completely Self-Absorbed Obama Gets Up And Just Talks For An Hour Straight

Top Headlines

Politics

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Completely Self-Absorbed Obama Gets Up And Just Talks For An Hour Straight

WASHINGTON—In a shocking display of deep self-absorption and narcissistic behavior, President Barack Obama stood up in front of the entire nation Tuesday and talked for more than an hour straight, sources confirmed.

Appearing before a crowd of several hundred people, whom he had apparently required to attend and sit silently as he spoke, the egocentric president reportedly talked nonstop from roughly 9 p.m. to 10:15 p.m. Eastern time, giving his opinion on whatever topics he felt like discussing. Apparently unwilling to concern himself with any beliefs other than his own, Obama selfishly spoke without interruption, never once allowing another person to get a word in edgewise or offer a differing viewpoint.

“Christ, that guy just wouldn’t stop talking,” said Lehigh, PA resident Ken Datillio, 41, who said he watched in mounting disbelief and annoyance as the self-involved leader kept going on and on, seemingly unaware of how profoundly egocentric he was being. “He talked, no joke, for 10 minutes straight about the economy. I thought that would be it, but then he started right in talking about energy for at least another five minutes—and that was just the start of it. It’s like this guy has a goddamned opinion on everything.”

“Have you listened to someone talk for 60 minutes straight?” Datillio added. “It’s excruciating.”

Millions across the country expressed amazement and aggravation at the sheer audacity displayed by Obama, noting that he paused only briefly during his lengthy and pompous monologue to allow the crowd to applaud what he was saying, behavior many likened to that of a small, emotionally needy child.

Moreover, sources noted that Obama demanded to be broadcast on every major television network during primetime, evidently as some sort of self-important ploy to force as much of the population as he could to listen to him speak.

“I was going to watch my favorite show, but this completely self-involved jerk just got on the TV and interrupted it,” said Charlene Washington of Kansas City, still irked that the one man’s selfish whims had upended the entire national television schedule. “And get this, he not only ruined my night with his unending, self-involved opinions, but he also made the Attorney General, the entire Supreme Court—all sorts of important people—just sit there quietly and listen to him speak like he was the only one in the room.”

“It’s one thing to say your piece for a minute or two, or maybe start a dialogue or something, but this guy just talked forever about whatever he wanted,” Washington continued. “When it was over, I looked at over at my husband and was like, ‘What the hell was that?’ Seriously, who does that?”

After finally finishing speaking, the utterly conceited man reportedly wandered into the very crowd he had just subjected to his lengthy oratory, apparently under the self-indulgent belief that such individuals would want to shake his hand or congratulate him on his hour-long, uninterrupted lecture.

“Some people just think they’re so important,” said a shocked and annoyed Rep. Walter Jones (R-NC), who was forced to endure the stupefyingly egocentric display in person. “Can you believe he actually stood up there and expected us to listen to all that crap for an hour? It’s unbelievable, the nerve of this guy.”

“I mean, who does this asshole think he is?” Jones added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close