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Politics

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Completely Self-Absorbed Obama Gets Up And Just Talks For An Hour Straight

WASHINGTON—In a shocking display of deep self-absorption and narcissistic behavior, President Barack Obama stood up in front of the entire nation Tuesday and talked for more than an hour straight, sources confirmed.

Appearing before a crowd of several hundred people, whom he had apparently required to attend and sit silently as he spoke, the egocentric president reportedly talked nonstop from roughly 9 p.m. to 10:15 p.m. Eastern time, giving his opinion on whatever topics he felt like discussing. Apparently unwilling to concern himself with any beliefs other than his own, Obama selfishly spoke without interruption, never once allowing another person to get a word in edgewise or offer a differing viewpoint.

“Christ, that guy just wouldn’t stop talking,” said Lehigh, PA resident Ken Datillio, 41, who said he watched in mounting disbelief and annoyance as the self-involved leader kept going on and on, seemingly unaware of how profoundly egocentric he was being. “He talked, no joke, for 10 minutes straight about the economy. I thought that would be it, but then he started right in talking about energy for at least another five minutes—and that was just the start of it. It’s like this guy has a goddamned opinion on everything.”

“Have you listened to someone talk for 60 minutes straight?” Datillio added. “It’s excruciating.”

Millions across the country expressed amazement and aggravation at the sheer audacity displayed by Obama, noting that he paused only briefly during his lengthy and pompous monologue to allow the crowd to applaud what he was saying, behavior many likened to that of a small, emotionally needy child.

Moreover, sources noted that Obama demanded to be broadcast on every major television network during primetime, evidently as some sort of self-important ploy to force as much of the population as he could to listen to him speak.

“I was going to watch my favorite show, but this completely self-involved jerk just got on the TV and interrupted it,” said Charlene Washington of Kansas City, still irked that the one man’s selfish whims had upended the entire national television schedule. “And get this, he not only ruined my night with his unending, self-involved opinions, but he also made the Attorney General, the entire Supreme Court—all sorts of important people—just sit there quietly and listen to him speak like he was the only one in the room.”

“It’s one thing to say your piece for a minute or two, or maybe start a dialogue or something, but this guy just talked forever about whatever he wanted,” Washington continued. “When it was over, I looked at over at my husband and was like, ‘What the hell was that?’ Seriously, who does that?”

After finally finishing speaking, the utterly conceited man reportedly wandered into the very crowd he had just subjected to his lengthy oratory, apparently under the self-indulgent belief that such individuals would want to shake his hand or congratulate him on his hour-long, uninterrupted lecture.

“Some people just think they’re so important,” said a shocked and annoyed Rep. Walter Jones (R-NC), who was forced to endure the stupefyingly egocentric display in person. “Can you believe he actually stood up there and expected us to listen to all that crap for an hour? It’s unbelievable, the nerve of this guy.”

“I mean, who does this asshole think he is?” Jones added.

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