Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Completely Sober Employee Still Embarrassing Self At Company Party

SEATTLE—Despite not consuming a single alcoholic beverage throughout the entire event, local marketing associate Patrick Liepert is somehow managing to make a complete fool of himself at Precision Intermedia’s end-of-quarter party Friday, fellow employees confirmed. “Just look at him—he hasn’t even touched the open bar, and yet he’s still knocked over a plate of buffalo wings and made at least two clumsy passes at interns,” Liepert’s coworker Katie Rankin said as the completely sober man, failing to pick up on social cues that a nearby conversation was over, launched into a meandering anecdote about his former college roommate. “It’s actually kind of impressive. Embarrassing yourself as badly as Patrick normally takes at least a few strong drinks on an empty stomach. But he’s gone completely sloppy from a seltzer water.” At press time, Liepert, whose last alcoholic beverage was reportedly more than a week ago, was telling his boss in too loud a voice how he would have handled the client presentation earlier that day.

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