Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Completely Sober Employee Still Embarrassing Self At Company Party

SEATTLE—Despite not consuming a single alcoholic beverage throughout the entire event, local marketing associate Patrick Liepert is somehow managing to make a complete fool of himself at Precision Intermedia’s end-of-quarter party Friday, fellow employees confirmed. “Just look at him—he hasn’t even touched the open bar, and yet he’s still knocked over a plate of buffalo wings and made at least two clumsy passes at interns,” Liepert’s coworker Katie Rankin said as the completely sober man, failing to pick up on social cues that a nearby conversation was over, launched into a meandering anecdote about his former college roommate. “It’s actually kind of impressive. Embarrassing yourself as badly as Patrick normally takes at least a few strong drinks on an empty stomach. But he’s gone completely sloppy from a seltzer water.” At press time, Liepert, whose last alcoholic beverage was reportedly more than a week ago, was telling his boss in too loud a voice how he would have handled the client presentation earlier that day.

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