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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Completely Uninhibited Party Guest Still Choosing To Talk About Work

CHICAGO—Although the account manager’s inhibitions had disappeared completely after he consumed his third beer, sources at a house party attended by staff members of Stratway Media confirmed this evening that their colleague Jeremy Norton was nonetheless choosing to talk about work. “I thought Terry made some interesting points this morning. Say what you will about his management style, but I think he’s probably what our department needs,” said Norton, who despite having imbibed enough alcohol to feel at ease discussing such personal and private matters as his romantic interests, political opinions, and even his recent decision to start jogging, elected to spend another 15 minutes analyzing the likelihood the sales department would meet its fourth-quarter goals. “And Alyson has been great since she came over from Pinnacle. She’s really jelled with the rest of the team.” At press time, a tipsy Norton had changed the subject from the television series that people were currently watching to an analysis of the company’s conference room reservation policy.

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