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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Completely Uninhibited Party Guest Still Choosing To Talk About Work

CHICAGO—Although the account manager’s inhibitions had disappeared completely after he consumed his third beer, sources at a house party attended by staff members of Stratway Media confirmed this evening that their colleague Jeremy Norton was nonetheless choosing to talk about work. “I thought Terry made some interesting points this morning. Say what you will about his management style, but I think he’s probably what our department needs,” said Norton, who despite having imbibed enough alcohol to feel at ease discussing such personal and private matters as his romantic interests, political opinions, and even his recent decision to start jogging, elected to spend another 15 minutes analyzing the likelihood the sales department would meet its fourth-quarter goals. “And Alyson has been great since she came over from Pinnacle. She’s really jelled with the rest of the team.” At press time, a tipsy Norton had changed the subject from the television series that people were currently watching to an analysis of the company’s conference room reservation policy.

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