Completely Unknown Employee Begins Sending Email Updates To Office

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Vol 49 Issue 28

Study: Diet Soda Doesn’t Aid Weight Loss

A recent study by Purdue University has found that, contrary to popular thinking, drinking diet soda doesn’t aid in weight loss, and that its consumption can actually increase the likelihood of obesity and development of precursors to diabetes, card...

The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obvi...

Microsoft Announces Major Company Overhaul

In a bid to compete more fiercely with competitors like Apple, Google, and Amazon, Microsoft on Thursday announced a sweeping reorganization, which officials say will help the company react more quickly to changing technology and speed up development of p...
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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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Completely Unknown Employee Begins Sending Email Updates To Office

RUTLAND, VT—According to employees at Innovo Digital Marketing, a series of emails sent this week updating them on upcoming office functions, the addition of new hires, maintenance issues, and a variety of other workplace matters are being sent from a coworker they have never heard of in their lives. “Yesterday, out of the blue, we got an email from someone named Karen asking if there was any interest in forming an office softball team. Who the fuck is Karen?” sales representative Andrew Bartlett said of the email titled “Update: Softball and Summer Hours,” which reportedly began, “Hey everyone, just received more info about the softball league,” and concluded, “Thanks guys! –Karen.” “You’d think there would have been some kind of preface or introductory note on the first email, but nope. Apparently this person is under the impression we know who she is. Her email signature says she is our company’s VP of Events Coordination. Do we even have one of those?” At press time, sources were reporting oh yeah, that Karen.

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