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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Completely Unknown Employee Begins Sending Email Updates To Office

RUTLAND, VT—According to employees at Innovo Digital Marketing, a series of emails sent this week updating them on upcoming office functions, the addition of new hires, maintenance issues, and a variety of other workplace matters are being sent from a coworker they have never heard of in their lives. “Yesterday, out of the blue, we got an email from someone named Karen asking if there was any interest in forming an office softball team. Who the fuck is Karen?” sales representative Andrew Bartlett said of the email titled “Update: Softball and Summer Hours,” which reportedly began, “Hey everyone, just received more info about the softball league,” and concluded, “Thanks guys! –Karen.” “You’d think there would have been some kind of preface or introductory note on the first email, but nope. Apparently this person is under the impression we know who she is. Her email signature says she is our company’s VP of Events Coordination. Do we even have one of those?” At press time, sources were reporting oh yeah, that Karen.

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