adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Completely Unknown Employee Begins Sending Email Updates To Office

RUTLAND, VT—According to employees at Innovo Digital Marketing, a series of emails sent this week updating them on upcoming office functions, the addition of new hires, maintenance issues, and a variety of other workplace matters are being sent from a coworker they have never heard of in their lives. “Yesterday, out of the blue, we got an email from someone named Karen asking if there was any interest in forming an office softball team. Who the fuck is Karen?” sales representative Andrew Bartlett said of the email titled “Update: Softball and Summer Hours,” which reportedly began, “Hey everyone, just received more info about the softball league,” and concluded, “Thanks guys! –Karen.” “You’d think there would have been some kind of preface or introductory note on the first email, but nope. Apparently this person is under the impression we know who she is. Her email signature says she is our company’s VP of Events Coordination. Do we even have one of those?” At press time, sources were reporting oh yeah, that Karen.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close