The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

National Dialogue Dusted Off

WASHINGTON—Following news of a racially motivated shooting massacre in South Carolina that left nine churchgoers dead Wednesday night, the country figured it was once again time to dust off the national dialogue, sources confirmed.

Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing

EVANSTON, IL—In the wake of a controversial video depicting two individuals in the fraternity’s University of Oklahoma chapter leading a racist chant, Sigma Alpha Epsilon officials instituted a new national policy Wednesday requiring all membe...

Media Stumped On How To Handle Missing Mixed-Race Woman

WASHINGTON—Struggling to find an appropriate response to a delicate situation, members of the American news media admitted Tuesday that they remained stumped on how exactly to handle the case of missing mixed-race woman Alison Johnston.

Tips For Being An Unarmed Black Teen

With riots raging in Ferguson, MO following the shooting death by police of an unarmed African-American youth, the nation has turned its eyes toward social injustice and the continuing crisis of race relations.
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Completely Unnatural Mixed-Race Couple Actually Kind Of Beautiful In A Way

The unholy, abominable couple, who sources admit do look pretty great together in this photo.
The unholy, abominable couple, who sources admit do look pretty great together in this photo.

LAFAYETTE, IN—While describing the couple’s relationship as nothing short of perverse, sickening, and totally unnatural, reports confirmed Thursday that Daniel Bowman, a 25-year-old black man, and Jennifer Pines, a 24-year-old white woman, are in a way actually sort of beautiful together.

Recently spotted holding hands—and in public, for Christ’s sake—the unwholesome, sinful union of two incompatible races made for a sight that was reportedly repulsive and yet, at the same time, oddly endearing.

“They seem so happy together,” said 31-year-old onlooker Christina Berg, who apparently doesn’t grasp the basic and undeniable truth that whites are supposed to be with whites, blacks with blacks, Asians with Asians, Mexicans with Mexicans, and so forth. “Just look at the way they’re smiling at each other and nuzzling while they walk. That’s really sweet.”

“Aw!” Berg added as the total abomination of nature shared a quick kiss, which sources had to admit was actually kind of cute.

By conducting their completely inappropriate relationship in the open, Bowman and Pines have reportedly shamed both themselves and their families for five straight years, though sources noted it is rather nice to see a young couple stay committed to each other for such a long time.

Reports confirmed that Pines, who is said to be at risk of muddying the pure white bloodline she ought to be proud of, first met Bowman when the two played on opposing teams during a co-ed softball game, a story that, if you think about it, is awfully charming. And while witnesses acknowledged the two truly seem to be in love—which is rare, and, admittedly, a thing to be cherished—God forbid they ever have a child together, because that would simply be appalling, even though the couple would likely make good, loving parents.

“There’s a pair of lovebirds if I’ve ever seen one,” Jeffrey Kopec, 43, said of the man and woman who appear to be a perfect match despite belonging to racial groups that were never meant to inhabit the same continent, let alone develop romantic ties. “They’ve just been talking and laughing nonstop. Reminds me of my wife and I when we were younger.”

As lovely and heartwarming as it is to see the couple walking arm in arm on the sidewalk, sources asked whether things wouldn’t be much simpler if Bowman and Pines could both just stick to dating their own kind. After all, if human beings of different races weren’t meant to procreate—and that’s reportedly right there in the Bible, by the way—isn’t mixing with people of other races an evil, despicable act that flies in the face of God Himself?

And yet, sources added, when you look at those two, it somehow just feels right.

“You can tell they’re totally head over heels for each other,” said 24-year-old Allison DeLuca, who, like a normal and responsible white woman, is dating a white man, though if she were to date someone of another race sources speculated that maybe it wouldn’t really be the end of the world. “I hope I find that someday.”

Sources went on to state that while Bowman and Pines’ relationship goes against absolutely everything that is good and proper, and is still a crime against nature, maybe at the end of the day it’s up to them to decide whom they share their love with. Maybe.

According to reports, at least they’re not a gay couple.

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