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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Completely Unrealistic TV Character Has Complex, Multifaceted Personality

NEW YORK—According to a number of prominent television critics nationwide, the HBO series Boardwalk Empire stretches belief to the breaking point by featuring an incredibly implausible main character who is a complex human being with a layered, ambiguous, and nuanced personality. “I honestly want to like Nucky, the main character, but it’s frankly really hard to swallow this super unrealistic fantasy universe where human beings act with purpose, have complicated thoughts and opinions, are motivated by coherent desires, and are more than just superficial, mindless stereotypes,” wrote Washington Post TV critic Hank Stuever in a recent column, adding that while individuals in the real world drift thoughtlessly through their entire unexamined lives, the show’s incredibly far-fetched protagonist seemed to have a deep inner life, an actual original point of view, and a sense of moral conflict. “The whole premise that there are people out there with a full, expressive range of emotions, and a worldview that is willing to see things in more shades than simply black and white, is just completely preposterous. I mean, do the writers seriously expect us to buy this nonsense?” Stuever conceded, however, that he found the show’s depiction of a bleak, inhospitable universe “just about right on the money.”

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