adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Compliment Of Pants Sounds Suspiciously Like Intent To Steal Them

AUSTIN, TX—The praise leveled at the tweed pants currently worn by record-store clerk Anton Eklund's by longtime friend Bernard Woelters sounds suspiciously like an overture to larcenous action, Eklund said Monday. "Those are really, really nice pants. How do they fasten, exactly? Where would you keep pants like that—in a closet, a dresser, hanging on a peg?" Woelters is reported to have asked Eklund at a party over the weekend. "Pretty wide cuffs on them too, I see. Can they be yanked off over your shoes without being damaged?"  Though Eklund has no concrete proof that the pants are at risk, he is considering purchasing a more secure belt.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close