Compliment Of Pants Sounds Suspiciously Like Intent To Steal Them

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Vol 42 Issue 16

Many More Chernobyl Victims?

A new Greenpeace report argues that 10 times as many people died from the Chernobyl disaster than official estimates claimed at the time. What do...

TomKitten's Silent Birth

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter Suri was born Tuesday under Scientology's strict "silent birth" guidelines. What do you think?
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Compliment Of Pants Sounds Suspiciously Like Intent To Steal Them

AUSTIN, TX—The praise leveled at the tweed pants currently worn by record-store clerk Anton Eklund's by longtime friend Bernard Woelters sounds suspiciously like an overture to larcenous action, Eklund said Monday. "Those are really, really nice pants. How do they fasten, exactly? Where would you keep pants like that—in a closet, a dresser, hanging on a peg?" Woelters is reported to have asked Eklund at a party over the weekend. "Pretty wide cuffs on them too, I see. Can they be yanked off over your shoes without being damaged?"  Though Eklund has no concrete proof that the pants are at risk, he is considering purchasing a more secure belt.
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