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Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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Compromising Company’s Values For Advertising Revenue Referred To As ‘Partnering’

LOS ANGELES—Announcing a new business deal between the online media website and a major national advertiser Tuesday, Flux Media CEO Rich Lange reportedly described the wholesale disavowal of his company’s longstanding core values in exchange for ad sales revenue as a “brand partnership.” “Flux is a proud leader in delivering fresh, original content to readers, and we’re pleased to work alongside our new partner Checkers Drive-In restaurants,” said Lange in a company-wide email, describing an upcoming series of integrated on-site advertisements that will fully erode the company’s integrity in the eyes of both its employees and readers as “an exciting, innovative new venture.” “Checkers Drive-In is committed to working closely with our brand as we continue to produce the best, most relevant content on the internet, and I’m sure this is just the start of a long, productive, and mutually beneficial relationship.” At press time, sources reported that the company had taken additional steps toward completely eradicating its founding principles and any remaining shred of self-respect by promising to “evolve [its] business model” over the coming year.

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