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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
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Computer Analyst Unable To Fashion Crude Tools, Grind Wheat

SEATTLE—According to reports, computer analyst Isaac Glenn, who earns $120,000 a year organizing and upgrading computer networks, does not know how to fashion crude tools or grind wheat. "I guess to grind wheat, you'd probably cut it off the stalk and then maybe use some kind of crushing device to mash it until it's powder," Glenn said. "I don't really know what you'd do with it then. Maybe cook it, I guess." Glenn added that network administrators should use jacketed, certified cat-5 cable and keep runs perpendicular to electrical lines to prevent data integrity problems in 100BaseT networks.

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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

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