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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Computer Being Stupid

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After multiple attempts to get the thing to do the thing, 38-year-old freelance writer Joe Garvin gave up Saturday, citing the fact that his stupid computer was too dumb to print something as simple as a travel itinerary. The computer, a PowerBook something with some kind of core that does this every single time, reportedly refused to just tell the printer to print even after Garvin spent a full 10 minutes yelling at it. "Why won't you just help me out here?" Garvin asked his computer after it started beeping at him just to rub it in. "I checked your nums lock already, and that's not it. What is the matter with you? I hate you." Although the computer will likely go on being retarded forever, Garvin refused to call tech support to resolve the problem, claiming they're all "Wha, wha, wha," and saying a bunch of stuff he doesn't even know what.

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