Computer-Generated Talking Cat On TV Delights Iowa Woman

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Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Computer-Generated Talking Cat On TV Delights Iowa Woman

OTTUMWA, IA—A computer-manipulated talking cat in a commercial for Fresh Step cat litter thoroughly delighted Ottumwa resident Sheila Dagenhardt Monday.

The animated TV cat instructs its owner to "talk to the paw."

"Honey, you've got to come in here and see this ad!" Dagenhardt called out to husband Dale, who was in the kitchen making a bowl of microwave popcorn at the time. "It's so adorable!"

Dale, who missed a majority of the 30-second spot, managed to race back to the living room in time to see the cat's owner hold out a bag of Fresh Step cat litter, to which the sass-talking feline responded, "Meow you're talking!"

The ad then ended with an announcer delivering a warning to viewers to "get your cat Fresh Step, before your cat gets fresh with you."

"That was just about the cutest commercial I've ever seen," Dagenhardt said. "When the lady tried to fill the cat's box with a brand of litter that wasn't Fresh Step, the cat got all mad and put out its arm and said, 'Talk to the paw!'"

Dagenhardt enjoyed the computer-generated cat so much, later that evening she phoned her sister in Des Moines to ask if she had seen the commercial.

Sheila Dagenhardt

"Yeah, I saw that one during Judging Amy! It really looks like the cat's talking!" sister Deborah Sayner said. "How do they make it do that?"

"Don't go there!" added Sayner, repeating the part of the commercial in which the sharp-tongued tabby warns its owner not to reach for a bargain-brand litter.

After a lengthy discussion, the sisters came to the conclusion that the Fresh Step commercial was the best talking-animal ad they had seen since the one in which a group of brown bears sing "P-E-P-S-I" to the tune of "YMCA." They did note, however, that even though the antics of the Fresh Step cat are funnier, the Snuggle bear is cuter.

According to Fresh Step spokeswoman Roberta Alt, the Dagenhardts are not alone in their positive response to the new ad. In extensive focus-group testing, it scored 45 percent higher than last year's Fresh Step campaign, in which a large cat, heartbroken over his owner's litter choice, wakes up the neighbors by mournfully singing "O Sole Meow."

"Last year's 'Luciano Paw-varotti' spot was popular, but this one is even bigger," Alt said. "People really seem to love Fresh Step's new 'frank feline.' The cat's got attitude. Or, as we like to say, 'cattitude.'"

Created by the San Francisco-based computer-animation firm Ocean 1, the ad's special effects cost $200,000. Total project expenditures for the funny-cat commercial were $245,000, but television air-time outlays are expected to bring the total cost of the campaign to $4.5 million, a sum Alt called "well worth it in gains to brand-name recognition."

"We're currently developing other cheeky ads that humorously illustrate what might happen if you don't provide your pet with a premium cat litter like Fresh Step," Alt said. "Imagine a cat who rebels against his owner's cheap litter by donning a leather jacket, sunglasses and mohawk!"

Though Fresh Step's in-house creative team is still working on the new computer- generated cat's dialogue, Alt did confirm that the feline will utter the catchphrase, "Are you talking to me-ow?"