Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.
End Of Section
  • More News

Concept Car Designers Struggling To Think Of Cool New Ways For Doors To Open

MUNICH—Expressing concern that they wouldn’t come up with anything good before the International Motor Show in September, concept car designers at BMW’s corporate headquarters admitted to reporters Thursday they have been struggling to think of cool new ways for their automobiles’ doors to open. “We set the bar way too high with gull-wing doors and those scissor doors that swing open vertically from a hinge on the front, so now we’re pretty hard-pressed to come up with anything half as good as that,” said engineer Rudolph Reindell, who noted that his team easily devised innovative new body, grill, and spoiler designs, but have been stuck on doors for weeks. “We’ve been sitting around bouncing door ideas off one another every day, but so far, the best we’ve come up with is one that you pull up like a garage door and another with hinges on the bottom so you can walk up it like a ramp into the car, but they both look pretty stupid on our modeling software. Oh, wait, what about ones that swing inward into the car? No, no, that’s terrible. Jesus.” At press time, sources confirmed the frustrated designers decided to give up and just go with a doorless car that passengers would have to crawl into through the trunk.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.