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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Concert Security Guard Would Willingly Give His Life To Protect Coldplay

CHULA VISTA, CA—Twenty-four-year-old security guard Ian Moran told reporters Tuesday that he would gladly lay down his life to protect the members of Coldplay during their upcoming show at the Cricket Wireless Amphitheatre. "I hope it doesn't come to that, but if [lead singer] Chris [Martin] is in danger, it's my job to take a bullet for him if I have to," said Moran, who has been struck in the head by beer bottles on three separate occasions while protecting Good Charlotte, Ozzy Osbourne, and Sheryl Crow, respectively. "A secure Coldplay concert is bigger than just one man." Coworkers said Moran started taking his responsibilities very seriously after a 2006 show at which he was unable to prevent overzealous fans from stealing Tim McGraw's cowboy hat, an incident for which he has never forgiven himself.

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