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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Concert Spent Constantly Verifying Presence Of Coat-Check Ticket In Pocket

PROVIDENCE, RI—Eric Zamore, 28, reportedly spent the majority of a concert Friday night frantically confirming that his coat-check ticket was still in his pants pocket. "I got really freaked out for a second because I thought I'd left [the ticket] at the bar, but it turned out I'd just moved it to a different pocket," said Zamore, recalling how he had transferred the numbered paper stub for safekeeping while getting out some money to pay for a drink. "After that, I kept my hands in my jeans pockets so I could keep better tabs on it. I tried to applaud between songs, but got tired of doing all that double-checking afterward." Zamore was later seen claiming his coat early and listening to the show's 25-minute encore with his down parka tied around his waist.

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