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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Concert Spent Constantly Verifying Presence Of Coat-Check Ticket In Pocket

PROVIDENCE, RI—Eric Zamore, 28, reportedly spent the majority of a concert Friday night frantically confirming that his coat-check ticket was still in his pants pocket. "I got really freaked out for a second because I thought I'd left [the ticket] at the bar, but it turned out I'd just moved it to a different pocket," said Zamore, recalling how he had transferred the numbered paper stub for safekeeping while getting out some money to pay for a drink. "After that, I kept my hands in my jeans pockets so I could keep better tabs on it. I tried to applaud between songs, but got tired of doing all that double-checking afterward." Zamore was later seen claiming his coat early and listening to the show's 25-minute encore with his down parka tied around his waist.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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