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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Concussed Sidney Crosby Makes Rambling Appeal To End NHL Labor Dispute

NEW YORK—As labor negotiations continue between the league and players’ union, a severely concussed Sidney Crosby reportedly made a rambling, largely incoherent appeal to team owners Thursday to end the NHL lockout. “We have to get back out there by September for all the fans in Pittsbell [sic] and before Stanley,” said the Pittsburgh Penguins star, who reportedly trailed off in the middle of several sentences and at one point began bleeding from his left ear. “I want to score the cup, and why can’t we that? Not without the airplane on the bus. We need to get the pucks, because of ketchup in—after the movie.” Sources confirmed that Crosby then stared silently at the floor for several minutes before suddenly looking up and asking who he was.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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