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Concussed Sidney Crosby Makes Rambling Appeal To End NHL Labor Dispute

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Concussed Sidney Crosby Makes Rambling Appeal To End NHL Labor Dispute

NEW YORK—As labor negotiations continue between the league and players’ union, a severely concussed Sidney Crosby reportedly made a rambling, largely incoherent appeal to team owners Thursday to end the NHL lockout. “We have to get back out there by September for all the fans in Pittsbell [sic] and before Stanley,” said the Pittsburgh Penguins star, who reportedly trailed off in the middle of several sentences and at one point began bleeding from his left ear. “I want to score the cup, and why can’t we that? Not without the airplane on the bus. We need to get the pucks, because of ketchup in—after the movie.” Sources confirmed that Crosby then stared silently at the floor for several minutes before suddenly looking up and asking who he was.

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