adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
End Of Section
  • More News

Concussed Sidney Crosby Makes Rambling Appeal To End NHL Labor Dispute

NEW YORK—As labor negotiations continue between the league and players’ union, a severely concussed Sidney Crosby reportedly made a rambling, largely incoherent appeal to team owners Thursday to end the NHL lockout. “We have to get back out there by September for all the fans in Pittsbell [sic] and before Stanley,” said the Pittsburgh Penguins star, who reportedly trailed off in the middle of several sentences and at one point began bleeding from his left ear. “I want to score the cup, and why can’t we that? Not without the airplane on the bus. We need to get the pucks, because of ketchup in—after the movie.” Sources confirmed that Crosby then stared silently at the floor for several minutes before suddenly looking up and asking who he was.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close