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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Condo Board Maintains Purity Of Bloodline Through Generations Of Intermarriage

Members of the Oakwood Terrace condo board, all of whom are pure of blood.
Members of the Oakwood Terrace condo board, all of whom are pure of blood.

BLOOMINGDALE, FL—Citing the need to safeguard their highborn pedigree, the board of directors at local condominium development Oakwood Terrace told reporters Friday they have successfully maintained the purity of their bloodline through generations of intermarriage.

According to residents, strict rules of peerage mandate that children of the five presiding condo board members must marry into one another’s households, a practice that ensures that the oversight and proper maintenance of the 235-unit gated complex falls exclusively to legitimate offspring of strong stock.

“We of the Oakwood Terrace Condominium Association will defend the integrity of our rule against all pretenders to the board,” said sitting treasurer Norma Klein, who boasts heritage dating back to the original owners of Lot 1003 in Building Zone 2. “Years ago, my forebears accepted certain responsibilities when they paid the 20 percent preconstruction deposit on our ranch-style duplex. Today, it is our duty to preserve the chain of dynastic succession, and to justly enforce pet-leashing regulations and the one-vehicle-on-street parking rule.”

“Since the time of our founding, I’m proud to say that only a rightful heir has ever been granted the power to distribute keys to the pool area,” Klein added.

According to reports, the board’s pristine lineage has largely been upheld through the arranged betrothal of marriageable sons and daughters, a process that involves intricate negotiations typically brokered at elite gatherings such as the subdivision’s Fourth of July cookout, its annual golf tournament, and Saturday morning water aerobics.

Through the strategic selection of spouses for their children, condo board directors are said to consolidate their grip on the interests they deem most vital, including who has access to the “OakTerr-Master” Excel spreadsheet that tracks dues payments, monitors the garbage pickup schedule, and records picnic pavilion reservations.

“We married our firstborn to the Freeland clan of the Pine Court cul-de-sac near the tennis courts, and together we have forged a powerful alliance,” said board vice president Loretta Shaw, a mother of three daughters who has been seen eyeing one of Walt Foreman’s boys, a son of pure breeding with an uncle on the landscaping committee. “But relations between our two houses have been strained since last spring, when [condo board secretary] Sarah [Freeland] sabotaged my motion to have the front gate and mailbox station repainted.”

“Regardless, my daughters must have husbands with only the most honorable blood in their veins. A lesser match would not befit a family who wields control of the neighborhood sinking fund and appoints judges to preside over the holiday lighting contest.”

“Regardless, my daughters must have husbands with only the most honorable blood in their veins,” she continued. “A lesser match would not befit a family who wields control of the neighborhood sinking fund and appoints judges to preside over the holiday lighting contest.”

Sources confirmed the engagement of a child to any lowborn spouse who cannot trace his or her lineage back to at least the development’s third phase of construction would be social suicide for a board member. By all accounts, Oakwood Terrace was scandalized six years ago, when the scion of the recreation coordinator’s family eloped with a “usurping harlot” from a timeshare property on the other side of Route 640.

The clubhouse where the directors convene every other Thursday to discuss pressing matters of the condo association has long been full of intrigue, according to minutes-keeper Allan Snyder, whose family has for multiple generations recorded the most minor detail of every meeting in a word-processing document that dates back to the reign of legendary board president Bruce Dalton.

“As you might well expect, the power to schedule routine lawn pesticide treatments does not change hands peaceably,” Snyder said. “May God protect the ruling families of Oakwood Terrace and their sacred right to decree that each unit—whether detached home or multifamily dwelling—be painted only in the colors of the realm!”

“Tan with white trim,” he added in clarification.

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