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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Condo Board Member Thinks Bylaw Cover-Up Might Go All The Way To Deb

PENSACOLA, FL—With everything becoming more and more clear the deeper he dug, local Oceanside Heights Condominium board member Carl Langford began to suspect Tuesday that a bylaw cover-up might go all the way to Deb. “Deb? This can’t be possible, could it?” said a shaken Langford, adding that while he might have expected someone like Bruce or Monica to look the other way when a new tenant brought in a dog over the 20-pound limit, he never imagined that Deb herself could be implicated. “I guess Deb thought that no one would ever connect the dots. One of the junior board members would take the fall, and she’d walk away with her hands clean. And, who knows, with her kind of power, she just might.” At press time, Langford was debating whether to confide in Tim, who, for all he knew, was in on it too.

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