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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Condoleezza Rice Drives Halfway To Airport Before Realizing She Forgot Interpreter

WASHINGTON, DC—Just 15 minutes away from Dulles International Airport yesterday, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reportedly shouted to herself, muttered an expletive under her breath, and made a sharp U-turn across four lanes of highway when she realized she had left her interpreter at home, Deputy Secretary of State John D. Negroponte confirmed.

"Secretary Rice has had a lot on her mind recently, and even though she left her interpreter out in an obvious place the night before her important visit to the Mideast, well, sometimes these things happen," said Negroponte, who claimed that frustrating mistakes occur among high-ranking officials more than one would think. "Good thing her toll-booth collector had a thick Pakistani accent."

Rice, reportedly driving at speeds exceeding 100 mph, called an assistant when she was 10 minutes away from her house and ordered him to have the interpreter ready as soon as she pulled into the driveway.

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