adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Condoleezza Rice Spends First 15 Minutes Of College Football Committee Meeting Asking What The Fuck She Is Doing There

NEW YORK—Saying that she could use a short reminder of why she has a significant sway in the shaping of the collegiate sports landscape, sources confirmed that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice spent the first 15 minutes of a College Football Committee meeting Monday asking board members to explain what the fuck she was doing there. “Before we get started, I just want to quickly ask: Does anybody have a reasonable explanation for why I’m sitting here to deliberate the rankings of a bunch of football teams?” said Rice, adding that she was hoping for further clarification on what possible aspect of her decades of work and life experience made her appear remotely qualified, or even interested in, a job that entails determining whether LSU is a better football team than Michigan State. “Just to clarify, they decided to replace a computer algorithm with 13 people from across the country, and that group needed to include a former Secretary of State and a retired lieutenant from the Air Force. And now, I’ll be relied upon every week to hash out the relative strengths and weaknesses of each team in the SEC, ACC, and Pac-12. That make sense to anyone?” Sources confirmed that a visibly frustrated Rice then leaned back in her chair and asked to see the chart of offensive efficiency ratings so she could “get this stupid fucking thing over with.”

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close