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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Confident Phil Mickelson Guarantees Tiger Woods Will Win Masters

AUGUSTA, GA—After bogeying the 18th hole yesterday during a practice round at Augusta National, 2006 Masters Champion Phil Mickelson told reporters that he is "absolutely 100 percent certain" that this is Tiger Woods' tournament. "I don't mean to sound cocky, but it's just a confidence thing—I guarantee I'll be placing another green jacket on Tiger Woods come Sunday," Mickelson said, adding that Woods is the only one on the PGA Tour who can handle Augusta's length, the fast greens, and the pressure of competing on golf's most glorious stage. "It's no contest. You heard it here first, folks. We might as well just give Tiger the prize money now, as far as I'm concerned." When asked how he himself might fare at the event, Mickelson said he had "no idea" but would gladly settle for fifth.

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