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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Confused Bill Simmons Picks The Departed To Win Super Bowl

LOS ANGELES—Pop-culture enthusiast and sportswriter Bill Simmons, a regular columnist for ESPN's Page 2, was evidently suffering from genre confusion earlier this week when he picked Martin Scorsese's The Departed to win Super Bowl XLI. "The Departed just has a ton of upside that you can't ignore—it's got great chemistry, it keeps up the intensity all the way through, and it's got a hungry underdog coach who hasn't won the big one," Simmons wrote, adding that The Departed's only weakness may be that the film "lacks a clear cut offensive MVP to fill the role Brandon Walsh played for the great Dallas Cowboys dynasties." "This pick has nothing to do with my obvious hometown bias, but the city of Boston deserves to win the Oscar, especially after Mystic River's 2004 collapse when it eventually succumbed to Billy Crystal's heartbreaking missed field goal." Simmons added that if The Departed doesn't win the Super Bowl, it will be eerily reminiscent of the time the expansion Florida Marlins "practically stole" the Best New Artist Grammy from the Colorado Rockies in 1993.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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