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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Confused David Stern Thought Gilbert Arenas Was Where Toronto Raptors Played

NEW YORK—Upon hearing reports that star guard Gilbert Arenas was recovering well from two surgeries on his left knee, NBA commissioner David Stern was silent for several moments before revealing that he had previously believed 'Gilbert Arenas' was the name of the stadium where the Toronto Raptors played their home games. "So…Gilbert Arenas, that's where the Blue Jays play, and the Argonauts, and sometimes they have the circus in town when the season is right for it, right?" said Stern, referring to the Air Canada Centre. "Isn't their owner's name Gilbert? I thought it was pronounced with a silent T or something, because it's all French up there. I never heard the name out loud before now, see, I've always just read it. 'Gilbert Arenas.' Huh." Upon admitting his mistake, Stern extended his best wishes to Arenas and expressed the hope that he would return to the Raptors' lineup soon.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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