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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Confused Milwaukee Bucks Have No Idea What To Do After Rebounding Basketball

NEW YORK—Shrugging their shoulders and looking helplessly at each other, baffled players on the 22-35 Milwaukee Bucks had no idea what to do with the basketball Wednesday following a defensive rebound by center Andrew Bogut. "Um, so now what?" Bogut said, clutching the ball to prevent it from accidentally bouncing on the floor. "Man, this thing is really round. Should I be rolling it somewhere? Wow, coach is doing his angry jumping. Is he pointing at me? He is, but I definitely have shoes on this time. Oh, I think he's signaling me to waste another timeout." Despite the confusion, a majority of the Bucks agreed that Bogut should either slowly walk over to the referee and hand him the ball, or do what he did the last time, which was throw it as far and as high into the stands as possible.

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