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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Confused NASCAR Driver Runs Over 30 Golfers During Attempt To Win FedEx Cup

ATLANTA—Hoping to win the PGA tour's FedEx Cup, bewildered NASCAR driver Denny Hamlin critically injured 23 golfers and killed seven others while speeding across the East Lake golf course Thursday. "What—wait, hold on, which cup is this?" asked a visibly confused Hamlin, who after Thursday's tragedy remains 35 points behind first-place Sprint Cup driver Mark Martin. "Looking back, it was a little weird that I was driving on grass, striking people at high speeds, and not racing any other cars. But I'm a competitor, and if there's a cup, I'm going to try to win it." PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem later awarded Hamlin 150 FedEx Cup points for his effort.

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