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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Confusing 24-Player Trade Sends You, Scottie Pippen To Utah Jazz

SALT LAKE CITY—A multi-million-dollar blockbuster trade involving 24 players, six professional basketball teams, two hockey teams, and the Detroit Tigers' Triple-A affiliate Toledo Mud Hens eventually sent both you and retired Chicago Bulls All-Star forward Scottie Pippen to the Utah Jazz Tuesday. "I'm not exactly sure who we lost in the deal, but we're hoping that Scottie will be able to fill that void," Jazz general manager Kevin O'Connor said last night, adding that he also hopes you are comfortable with switching between both the point guard and small forward positions. "And, looking at the trade as a whole, I think [Sharks goalie] Evgeni Nabokov and [Dearborn, MI resident] Hank Glass will most easily be able to adapt to Phil Jackson's coaching style." Though O'Connor stated he believes that the Jazz came out on top in the complex transaction, he said Cleveland added real depth to their team with the addition of New Jersey Nets guard Jason Kidd and actor/comedian Paul Reiser.

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