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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Confusing 24-Player Trade Sends You, Scottie Pippen To Utah Jazz

SALT LAKE CITY—A multi-million-dollar blockbuster trade involving 24 players, six professional basketball teams, two hockey teams, and the Detroit Tigers' Triple-A affiliate Toledo Mud Hens eventually sent both you and retired Chicago Bulls All-Star forward Scottie Pippen to the Utah Jazz Tuesday. "I'm not exactly sure who we lost in the deal, but we're hoping that Scottie will be able to fill that void," Jazz general manager Kevin O'Connor said last night, adding that he also hopes you are comfortable with switching between both the point guard and small forward positions. "And, looking at the trade as a whole, I think [Sharks goalie] Evgeni Nabokov and [Dearborn, MI resident] Hank Glass will most easily be able to adapt to Phil Jackson's coaching style." Though O'Connor stated he believes that the Jazz came out on top in the complex transaction, he said Cleveland added real depth to their team with the addition of New Jersey Nets guard Jason Kidd and actor/comedian Paul Reiser.

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