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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Confusing Roadside Memorial Features Bicycle, Rotary Telephone, Jug Of Some Kind

DUPONT, WA—Onlookers were left incredibly bewildered Thursday after coming across an inexplicable roadside memorial that featured only a bicycle, a rotary telephone, and some sort of jug, sources confirmed. “The bike part I get, but I really don’t understand how the jug and the old phone could possibly figure in to whatever happened here,” said local resident James McDermott, 31, adding that while he assumes the deceased was killed by a car while biking, the tribute as a whole “just doesn’t add up.” “Maybe he liked using landlines? He could have been one of those people who refuses to carry a cell phone. That still doesn’t explain the jug, though. Oh, God, what if these are just random possessions his family found in his closet and thought maybe they were things he might have liked? Holy shit, that’s depressing.” Witnesses reportedly became even more confused after a weeping woman visited the memorial and quietly set down flowers, a broom, and a pair of needle-nose pliers.

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