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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Confusing Roadside Memorial Features Bicycle, Rotary Telephone, Jug Of Some Kind

DUPONT, WA—Onlookers were left incredibly bewildered Thursday after coming across an inexplicable roadside memorial that featured only a bicycle, a rotary telephone, and some sort of jug, sources confirmed. “The bike part I get, but I really don’t understand how the jug and the old phone could possibly figure in to whatever happened here,” said local resident James McDermott, 31, adding that while he assumes the deceased was killed by a car while biking, the tribute as a whole “just doesn’t add up.” “Maybe he liked using landlines? He could have been one of those people who refuses to carry a cell phone. That still doesn’t explain the jug, though. Oh, God, what if these are just random possessions his family found in his closet and thought maybe they were things he might have liked? Holy shit, that’s depressing.” Witnesses reportedly became even more confused after a weeping woman visited the memorial and quietly set down flowers, a broom, and a pair of needle-nose pliers.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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