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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Confusing Roadside Memorial Features Bicycle, Rotary Telephone, Jug Of Some Kind

DUPONT, WA—Onlookers were left incredibly bewildered Thursday after coming across an inexplicable roadside memorial that featured only a bicycle, a rotary telephone, and some sort of jug, sources confirmed. “The bike part I get, but I really don’t understand how the jug and the old phone could possibly figure in to whatever happened here,” said local resident James McDermott, 31, adding that while he assumes the deceased was killed by a car while biking, the tribute as a whole “just doesn’t add up.” “Maybe he liked using landlines? He could have been one of those people who refuses to carry a cell phone. That still doesn’t explain the jug, though. Oh, God, what if these are just random possessions his family found in his closet and thought maybe they were things he might have liked? Holy shit, that’s depressing.” Witnesses reportedly became even more confused after a weeping woman visited the memorial and quietly set down flowers, a broom, and a pair of needle-nose pliers.

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