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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Confusion Among Boxing's Sanctioning Bodies Results In Manny Pacquiao Fighting Self For 3 Separate Belts

LAS VEGAS—The World Boxing Organization, International Boxing Federation, and World Boxing Association held separate press conferences Monday resulting in the eventual announcement that Manny "Pride of the Philippines" Pacquiao, a seven-time world champion, would fight Manny "The Mexicutioner" Pacquiao, considered the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world, in a title bout on New Year's Eve. "We are proud to have the world's top welterweight fighting the world's best lightweight for the light-middleweight title of the world," an amalgam of press releases from the three bodies read in part. "This New Year's, the eyes of the boxing world will be on Atlantic City, Memphis, and San Juan. Also Las Vegas, if Pacquiao gains the weight to move up to the light-heavyweight division so he can finally fight Pacquiao." Meanwhile, representatives of the World Boxing Council have continued to struggle with staging their own world-title bout, which was marred when Floyd Mayweather, Jr. suffered a shattered cheekbone during his weigh-in, having struck himself repeatedly in the face before handlers could separate him.

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