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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Confusion Among Boxing's Sanctioning Bodies Results In Manny Pacquiao Fighting Self For 3 Separate Belts

LAS VEGAS—The World Boxing Organization, International Boxing Federation, and World Boxing Association held separate press conferences Monday resulting in the eventual announcement that Manny "Pride of the Philippines" Pacquiao, a seven-time world champion, would fight Manny "The Mexicutioner" Pacquiao, considered the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world, in a title bout on New Year's Eve. "We are proud to have the world's top welterweight fighting the world's best lightweight for the light-middleweight title of the world," an amalgam of press releases from the three bodies read in part. "This New Year's, the eyes of the boxing world will be on Atlantic City, Memphis, and San Juan. Also Las Vegas, if Pacquiao gains the weight to move up to the light-heavyweight division so he can finally fight Pacquiao." Meanwhile, representatives of the World Boxing Council have continued to struggle with staging their own world-title bout, which was marred when Floyd Mayweather, Jr. suffered a shattered cheekbone during his weigh-in, having struck himself repeatedly in the face before handlers could separate him.

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