Conga-Line Participant Beckons Ominously

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Vol 46 Issue 27

Obese Engage In Unsafe Sex More

A French study revealed that obese people have sex less often than those of healthier weight, but engage in riskier behavior when they do.

Men Suffer Postpartum Depression Too

A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that 10 percent of new fathers can suffer a serious depression in the first year of a child's birth.

I Have Seen The Future

The insufferable downy-cheeked technocrats in my employ at the Onion News Net-Work have informed me that, due to some folderol about worm-holes aboard fantastical ships that ply the very oceans of the sky, my news organization can now see the future!
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Holiday

Conga-Line Participant Beckons Ominously

VISALIA, CA—Wedding attendee Marc Spanos was badly shaken Saturday when a conga-line participant ominously beckoned him to join the grim, undulating human chain. "This large woman in a pink, sequined dress started waving and gesturing for me to come get on the end," Spanos said following the ordeal. "It all seemed to be happening in slow motion, like they all had evil grimaces and were laughing in deep, slowed-down voices." Spanos dodged the encroaching conga spectre by spilling scalding hot coffee on his tuxedo pants. "That was a close one," he said.

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