Congolese Rebel Can't Bring Himself To Care About Congolese War

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Vol 48 Issue 48

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed. Citing numerous let...

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed.

Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good.

Nick Moyer

In a private ceremony Thursday night, members of Kappa Delta Psi honored the memory of their recently deceased fraternity brother Nick Moyer by doing what he loved best: drinking a lot of Busch and showing their dicks to one another.

U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine

Over the strong opposition of the United States and Israel, the U.N. General Assembly voted 138 to 9 to grant the West Bank and Gaza Strip status as a “non-member observer state,” moving one step closer to recognizing Palestinian sovereignty. What do you think?
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Congolese Rebel Can't Bring Himself To Care About Congolese War

GOMA, DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO—While he admitted to having heard mentions of the bloody uprising and grave humanitarian crisis, Congolese rebel Emmanuel Muamba, 26, told reporters Thursday that he is having difficulty taking any real interest in the country’s ongoing insurrection and has “pretty much tuned out” all references to the conflict. “I vaguely know there’s something going on between government forces and insurgents, but frankly, I just find myself not caring about it at all,” said Muamba, admitting he probably wasn’t as informed as he should be about the details of the recent war atrocities he had committed or the plight of the child soldiers fighting alongside him. “I know I ought to pay attention, and I genuinely feel bad about my apathy toward what’s happening, but at the end of the day, it’s just another violent conflict in Africa, you know? I just can’t keep up with all of them at this point.” Reached for comment, all of the villagers that Muamba was currently massacring echoed the rebel’s total disinterest in the African nation’s continuing political strife.

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