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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Congolese Rebel Can't Bring Himself To Care About Congolese War

GOMA, DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO—While he admitted to having heard mentions of the bloody uprising and grave humanitarian crisis, Congolese rebel Emmanuel Muamba, 26, told reporters Thursday that he is having difficulty taking any real interest in the country’s ongoing insurrection and has “pretty much tuned out” all references to the conflict. “I vaguely know there’s something going on between government forces and insurgents, but frankly, I just find myself not caring about it at all,” said Muamba, admitting he probably wasn’t as informed as he should be about the details of the recent war atrocities he had committed or the plight of the child soldiers fighting alongside him. “I know I ought to pay attention, and I genuinely feel bad about my apathy toward what’s happening, but at the end of the day, it’s just another violent conflict in Africa, you know? I just can’t keep up with all of them at this point.” Reached for comment, all of the villagers that Muamba was currently massacring echoed the rebel’s total disinterest in the African nation’s continuing political strife.

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