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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Congress Allocates $1.4 Billion For Development Of Inner-City Youths' Rhyming, Dribbling Skills

WASHINGTON, DC—In what legislators are hailing as a major step toward breaking the cycle of urban poverty, Congress allocated $1.4 billion Monday for programs aimed at developing inner-city youths' dribbling and rhyming skills.

U.S. Rep. John Warner (D-CA) urges members of Congress to "make the development of urban youths' ball-handling and mic skills a top priority."

"With the passage of this bill, Congress has sent the message, loud and clear, that it is committed to investing in our nation's inner-city youths," Sen. Lauch Faircloth (R-NC) said. "Whether on the mic or on the court, to succeed in the next century these youngsters are going to need top-notch skills. Without them, they don't stand a chance."

Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH), the bill's co-sponsor, agreed. "When you're out in the marketplace, a potential employer like the Charlotte Hornets or Bad Boy Records is going to want to know what you can bring to them," Gregg said. "And without at least three good moves to the basket and a decent fadeaway jumper, or some unstoppable freestyle skills and mad lyrical flow, you're not even going to get a foot in the door."

"No employer wants to hire a bricklayer or wack MC," he added.

A majority of the $1.4 billion will go toward the construction and staffing of job-training centers across the U.S., where inner-city youths can acquire the tools necessary to compete in today's fiercely competitive marketplace.

"As the number of applicants for those 340 NBA roster spots and 60 major-label rap contracts continues to increase each year, so does the level of competition," Gregg said. "That's why it's so crucial that these kids have solid crossover dribbles, turntable technique, and other building blocks for success.

According to Gregg, while the funding is aimed at inner-city youths, everyone stands to benefit from it.

"When our nation's rap-and-basketball base thrives, we are all better off," he said. "By investing in the future Anfernee Hardaways and Ol' Dirty Bastards today, we guarantee that all Americans are well-entertained tomorrow."

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