adBlockCheck

Congress Allocates $1.4 Billion For Development Of Inner-City Youths' Rhyming, Dribbling Skills

Top Headlines

Politics

Inside The Onion News Network

The anchors of the Onion News Network's top-rated program "FactZone" answer viewers' questions about what it's like behind the scenes of the most powerful cable news channel in recorded human history. The Onion News Network premieres on IFC on January 21st at 10/9pm c.

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Congress Allocates $1.4 Billion For Development Of Inner-City Youths' Rhyming, Dribbling Skills

WASHINGTON, DC—In what legislators are hailing as a major step toward breaking the cycle of urban poverty, Congress allocated $1.4 billion Monday for programs aimed at developing inner-city youths' dribbling and rhyming skills.

U.S. Rep. John Warner (D-CA) urges members of Congress to "make the development of urban youths' ball-handling and mic skills a top priority."

"With the passage of this bill, Congress has sent the message, loud and clear, that it is committed to investing in our nation's inner-city youths," Sen. Lauch Faircloth (R-NC) said. "Whether on the mic or on the court, to succeed in the next century these youngsters are going to need top-notch skills. Without them, they don't stand a chance."

Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH), the bill's co-sponsor, agreed. "When you're out in the marketplace, a potential employer like the Charlotte Hornets or Bad Boy Records is going to want to know what you can bring to them," Gregg said. "And without at least three good moves to the basket and a decent fadeaway jumper, or some unstoppable freestyle skills and mad lyrical flow, you're not even going to get a foot in the door."

"No employer wants to hire a bricklayer or wack MC," he added.

A majority of the $1.4 billion will go toward the construction and staffing of job-training centers across the U.S., where inner-city youths can acquire the tools necessary to compete in today's fiercely competitive marketplace.

"As the number of applicants for those 340 NBA roster spots and 60 major-label rap contracts continues to increase each year, so does the level of competition," Gregg said. "That's why it's so crucial that these kids have solid crossover dribbles, turntable technique, and other building blocks for success.

According to Gregg, while the funding is aimed at inner-city youths, everyone stands to benefit from it.

"When our nation's rap-and-basketball base thrives, we are all better off," he said. "By investing in the future Anfernee Hardaways and Ol' Dirty Bastards today, we guarantee that all Americans are well-entertained tomorrow."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close