adBlockCheck

Congress Allocates $1.4 Billion For Development Of Inner-City Youths' Rhyming, Dribbling Skills

Top Headlines

Politics

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Congress Allocates $1.4 Billion For Development Of Inner-City Youths' Rhyming, Dribbling Skills

WASHINGTON, DC—In what legislators are hailing as a major step toward breaking the cycle of urban poverty, Congress allocated $1.4 billion Monday for programs aimed at developing inner-city youths' dribbling and rhyming skills.

U.S. Rep. John Warner (D-CA) urges members of Congress to "make the development of urban youths' ball-handling and mic skills a top priority."

"With the passage of this bill, Congress has sent the message, loud and clear, that it is committed to investing in our nation's inner-city youths," Sen. Lauch Faircloth (R-NC) said. "Whether on the mic or on the court, to succeed in the next century these youngsters are going to need top-notch skills. Without them, they don't stand a chance."

Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH), the bill's co-sponsor, agreed. "When you're out in the marketplace, a potential employer like the Charlotte Hornets or Bad Boy Records is going to want to know what you can bring to them," Gregg said. "And without at least three good moves to the basket and a decent fadeaway jumper, or some unstoppable freestyle skills and mad lyrical flow, you're not even going to get a foot in the door."

"No employer wants to hire a bricklayer or wack MC," he added.

A majority of the $1.4 billion will go toward the construction and staffing of job-training centers across the U.S., where inner-city youths can acquire the tools necessary to compete in today's fiercely competitive marketplace.

"As the number of applicants for those 340 NBA roster spots and 60 major-label rap contracts continues to increase each year, so does the level of competition," Gregg said. "That's why it's so crucial that these kids have solid crossover dribbles, turntable technique, and other building blocks for success.

According to Gregg, while the funding is aimed at inner-city youths, everyone stands to benefit from it.

"When our nation's rap-and-basketball base thrives, we are all better off," he said. "By investing in the future Anfernee Hardaways and Ol' Dirty Bastards today, we guarantee that all Americans are well-entertained tomorrow."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close