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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Congress Allocates $90 Million To Protect Remaining Eagles Members

WASHINGTON—Convening an emergency session following the recent passing of famed singer and guitarist Glenn Frey, Congress voted unanimously Thursday to allocate $90 million to protect the remaining members of American rock group the Eagles, sources confirmed. “My colleagues and I recognize just how important the Eagles’ laid-back ’70s sound is to all Americans, which is why we moved quickly and with bipartisan cooperation to put together comprehensive legislation that will ensure Don Henley, Joe Walsh, and Timothy B. Schmit are around to rock us, our children, and our children’s children for years to come,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) at a press conference following the passage of the bill, officially titled Preserving The Eagles For The Benefit And Enhancement Of Future Generations Act Of 2016, and more commonly known as The Long Run Bill. “We as a nation simply cannot afford to let the authors of such timeless hits as ‘Take It Easy,’ ‘Desperado,’ ‘One Of These Nights,’ and dozens of other infectious AOR staples disappear. That is why this legislation sets aside dozens of acres of safe, protected land on which the Eagles can live and record in peace, while also establishing a dedicated team of federal officials to closely monitor the band members for any changes in health and immediately provide them with care as needed.” Beltway sources confirmed that a proposed rider to The Long Run Bill introduced by Rep. Rick Larsen (D-WA), which would have added $7 million in similar protections for Kenny Loggins, was voted down by a chorus of nays.

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