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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Congress Allocates $90 Million To Protect Remaining Eagles Members

WASHINGTON—Convening an emergency session following the recent passing of famed singer and guitarist Glenn Frey, Congress voted unanimously Thursday to allocate $90 million to protect the remaining members of American rock group the Eagles, sources confirmed. “My colleagues and I recognize just how important the Eagles’ laid-back ’70s sound is to all Americans, which is why we moved quickly and with bipartisan cooperation to put together comprehensive legislation that will ensure Don Henley, Joe Walsh, and Timothy B. Schmit are around to rock us, our children, and our children’s children for years to come,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) at a press conference following the passage of the bill, officially titled Preserving The Eagles For The Benefit And Enhancement Of Future Generations Act Of 2016, and more commonly known as The Long Run Bill. “We as a nation simply cannot afford to let the authors of such timeless hits as ‘Take It Easy,’ ‘Desperado,’ ‘One Of These Nights,’ and dozens of other infectious AOR staples disappear. That is why this legislation sets aside dozens of acres of safe, protected land on which the Eagles can live and record in peace, while also establishing a dedicated team of federal officials to closely monitor the band members for any changes in health and immediately provide them with care as needed.” Beltway sources confirmed that a proposed rider to The Long Run Bill introduced by Rep. Rick Larsen (D-WA), which would have added $7 million in similar protections for Kenny Loggins, was voted down by a chorus of nays.

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