Congress Allocates Some Serious Do-Re-Mi To Drought Relief

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Vol 36 Issue 32

Man Thinks He Managed To Masturbate Without Waking Roommate

OMAHA, NE–Creighton University sophomore Adam Wilmut is under the mistaken impression that he managed to masturbate Tuesday without waking roommate and top-bunk occupant Scott Engram. "For about 10 minutes, I could feel the loft frame vibrating slightly," the 19-year-old Engram said. "Then, the vibrating escalated just a tiny bit for about 30 seconds before stopping altogether." The incident marked the fifth time in as many days that Wilmut's stealth masturbation was detected.

Arby's Regional Manager's Work Done Here

ROLLING MEADOWS, IL–Carl Biggs, regional manager of 11 Arby's restaurants in Chicago's Northwest suburbs, has done all he can here, the 41-year-old announced Monday before vanishing from the chain's Rand Road outlet in a cloud of Ford Escort exhaust. "Who was that mysterious man?" asked awestruck cashier Doug Sowell, 19, shortly after the visit. "I don't know," crew chief Karen Wilhoyte responded, "but he left this memorandum detailing proper kitchen hygiene procedures."

Senior Citizens Discuss Merits Of County-Clerk Candidates

MARSHFIELD, MO–During their weekly canasta game Monday, area octogenarians Beatrice Evans and Ida Hollings discussed the relative merits of the candidates for Webster County Clerk. "I like the fact that Wayne Speno wants to lower passport fees," Evans said. "On the other hand, he wants to keep the vital-statistics office open only until 4 p.m. weekdays, which isn't late enough." Hollings said she plans to vote for Speno opponent Mary Lodge. "[Lodge] did a fine job as assistant county clerk these past six years," Hollings said, "and I really feel like she's ready."

Nation Abuzz Over C-SPAN Original Movie

WASHINGTON, DC–Across America, excitement is building for this Friday's premiere of C-SPAN's first-ever original movie, Quorum Call: The H.R.1277 Story. Billed as "the incredible, true tale of the passage of the Department of Energy Civilian Research and Development Act of 1997," the film stars Rep. Ken Calvert (R-CA) as an idealistic young congressman determined to secure allocations of $22.5 million for Fiscal Year 1998 and $23.9 for Fiscal Year 1999 for geothermal electric research and development.

Bush Surges Ahead In Polls After Strong Showing On Pommel Horse

WASHINGTON, DC–George W. Bush pulled ahead of Al Gore in presidential polls Monday following a near-perfect score of 9.95 on the pommel horse. "Bush was in total command, showing textbook technique on his scissor elements and nailing his dismount," ABC News/Washington Post poll spokesman Andrew Hollandsworth said. "He looked confident and strong up there, and the American people are responding." The impressive effort helped Bush regain ground lost in Gore's decisive Sept. 10 victory in the ribbon-dance event.

The Debate Debate

For months, Al Gore and George Bush have been unable to agree on a presidential-debate format, with each candidate accusing the other of ducking a face-off. What do you think?
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Congress Allocates Some Serious Do-Re-Mi To Drought Relief

WASHINGTON, DC–With drought conditions approaching critical levels in the Deep South, Great Plains, and Southwest, Congress allocated some major moolah toward relief efforts in the afflicted regions Monday.

Dennis Hastert announces the allocation of some major scratch (left) to U.S. farmers.

The federal-aid package, all 14.8 billion samoleans of it, will be allocated in the form of emergency irrigation, crop subsidies, and long-term low-interest loans to farmers living in counties declared agricultural disaster areas.

"Ka-ching!" Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters, cranking his right arm in imitation of an old-time cash register. "The American farmer may be suffering through some of the worst drought conditions of the last half-century, but thanks to this much-needed aid, he'll soon be swimmin' in some serious smackeroos. Those living in the hardest-hit areas should find their wallets fatter to the tune of a cool hundred Gs per farmer."

Wheelbarrow of money.

"And brother," continued Hastert, winking and elbowing reporters, "that ain't hay."

Congress' decision to give up the cheddar comes in the wake of near-record temperatures throughout much of the nation, with parts of Texas and New Mexico averaging 110 degrees since July. As wildfires continued to spread across the Rocky Mountain region and the prospect of drought-related food-price hikes loomed, legislators unanimously approved a chunk of relief change that would choke a goat.

Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS) fans out a fat stack of federal disaster relief.

"Oh, yeah," Sen. Max Baucus (D-MT) said. "Mmm-hmmm. Montana's farmers and ranchers, devastated by months of drought and wildfire, have got 14.8 billion big ones coming to them, baby. We're talkin' some serious dough for my troubled constituents, slated to go toward livestock subsidies, emergency feed assistance, water hauling, and watershed development. Hot-cha, that's a lotta green."

"Loot, coin, shekels, cabbage, clams, scratch, ducats, benjamins, dead presidents–whatever you call it, one thing's for sure: This is the real stuff, all right," said Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS), chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee on Agriculture and Rural Development. "Pretty soon, those farmers are going to be living large, raking in more than $140 million from the Federal Deferred Grazing Assistance Program alone. And that's just one of more than 30 emergency funding measures passed by Congress. No doubt about it, these farmers are gettin' paid."

U.S. agricultural workers are grateful to be rolling in it after the long dry spell. "Thanks, Uncle Sugar," said Norman Billups, a Comanche, TX, cattle rancher. "Usually, when it comes to laying out the cash, you're tighter than a steer's ass in fly time. But this is quite a pile, no doubt about it. Thanks to you, we're flush again."

Billups added that he would celebrate the aid allocation by getting himself some of the pink that winks and stinks.

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