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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Congress Approves $4 Billion For Bread, Circuses

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to ensure the continued distraction and contentedness of the American people during a time of unprecedented prosperity, Congress allocated $4 billion for bread and circuses Monday.

Plebians gather at Chicago's Soldier Field to enjoy the grand spectacle of mighty sporting contests.

President Clinton announced news of the bill's passage to awaiting throngs from his purple-draped balcony at the White House.

"Good citizens of America!" an olive-leaf-bedecked Clinton said. "Never has there been more peace, abundance and contentedness across the Republic than now. Our granaries are full to bursting, ships laden with the fruits of our noble labor leave our ports everyday, and our domiciles are filled with comforts that make us the envy of the world. What's more, our glorious military victory in the far-off province of Kosovo has bolstered our stature among other, lesser nation-states."

Continued Clinton: "Therefore, with the passage of the Bread And Circuses Act, I call for a celebration of these achievements. I call for revelry in the streets, much feasting and imbibery of the fermented grape, and gaming in our stadiums and coliseums featuring the Republic's most eminent athletes. Let the merriment begin!"

Shortly after his announcement, Clinton served as Grand Marshal of an immense triumphal procession down Pennsylvania Avenue. The procession, attended by thousands of onlookers, featured a display of Exocet missiles; several Stealth bombers flying in formation; a phalanx of prominent military leaders, senators and bureaucrats; dancers, fire-eaters and contortionists; two rare Siberian white tigers, who pulled a gilded coach containing the current Miss America, Nicole Johnson; a battalion of bull elephants; and Barbra Streisand.

At the back of the procession were four dozen captured criminals and Serbian prisoners of war, who were repeatedly beaten by a prison guard as they slowly trudged under the weight of their chains and manacles.

Following the massive parade, a state-sponsored feast was held on the Capitol Mall, and great quantities of such beloved American delicacies as hamburgers, hot dogs, bratwurst, potato salad, Lite beer, orange pop and sheet cake were served free of charge to vast and ecstatic crowds, who gorged themselves to excess.

"Hail good President Clinton, noblest American of them all!" said visiting Grand Blanc, Michigan, resident Sherman Kozik, before racing to one of the many porta-vomitoriums to purge himself of the gallon of three-bean salad he had consumed.

The gaiety continued on through the evening, as per Clinton's command, as standing-room-only crowds packed stadiums, arenas and racetracks nationwide for such popular sporting events as pro football, stock car racing and wrestling.

The most celebrated event took place at New York City's Madison Square Garden, where defending World Wrestling Federation champion "Stone Cold" Steve Austin was defeated in a stunning upset by the Undertaker before thousands of fans. Having subdued Austin with a tombstone piledriver, the Undertaker looked up to Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, who was seated in his mayoral box high atop the arena, to determine Austin's fate. Giuliani pointed his thumb downward, and the Undertaker ran Austin through with a broadsword to fans' raucous cheers. He then presented Austin's lifeless body to the mayor.

Despite the widespread popularity of the Bread And Circuses Act, some believe that crucial issues are being ignored, and that Clinton advocated the law solely to increase his approval rating. An early dissenter was U.S. Sen. Robert Torricelli (D-NJ), who gave an eloquent oratory in the Senate floor shortly after the bill was signed into law.

"By appealing to the plebians' low instincts for bloodlust and gluttony, the despotic libertine Clinton has traded away our freedom and quality of life for his own advancement, and as a consequence, our Republic lies dangerously prone to its base vices," Torricelli said. "How can he speak of celebration and feasting when there is still abundant evidence of chronic want despite a robust economy, when large stockpiles of nuclear weapons continue to exist, when our presidential candidates remain frustratingly vague on issues of great import, and when the environment continues to undergo man-made degradation?"

"Citizens!" Torricelli continued. "I beseech you to look past the revelry and consider your condition. Have you truly benefited from this state of affairs? I respectfully submit the resounding answer of no! No, no, a thousand times, no!" The morning after his speech, Torricelli was found dead in his bedroom, an apparent victim of an asp bite sometime during the night.

The Clinton administration has denied any wrongdoing in Torricelli's death, as well as claims made by its political enemies that the Bread And Circuses Act was intended to lull the populace into a state of apathy and complacency.

"Citizens, who scoffs at your indulgence? The same patrician snobs who have kept you in your place for years," said White House press secretary Joe Lockhart. "Life is short and desperate, and soon the Grim Reaper will darken your door. That's why it's of capital importance to enjoy yourself while you can. Now, who's up for a free, government-sponsored crucifixion of some convicted murderers?"

As the mass celebrations continue into the weekend, the President will host an enormous bonfire on the White House lawn, to be followed by a special ceremony in which Clinton will appoint his favorite horse as the new Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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