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Congress Approves $40 Million To Fight Teens

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CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Congress Approves $40 Million To Fight Teens

WASHINGTON, DC—Taking a "zero tolerance" stance against the growing problem of young adulthood in the U.S., Congress approved legislation Monday allocating $40 million toward the fight against teens. "As much as we all wish it would, the problem of teens is simply not going away in this country," Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) said. "In fact, it's growing. I'm pleased we're finally starting to devote some real money and resources to the problem." Under the new legislation, any U.S. citizen found to be between the ages of 12 and 20 can be jailed for up to two years for a first offense. So-called "serial teens" can be jailed for life.

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