adBlockCheck

Congress Approves $40 Million To Fight Teens

Top Headlines

Recent News

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Congress Approves $40 Million To Fight Teens

WASHINGTON, DC—Taking a "zero tolerance" stance against the growing problem of young adulthood in the U.S., Congress approved legislation Monday allocating $40 million toward the fight against teens. "As much as we all wish it would, the problem of teens is simply not going away in this country," Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) said. "In fact, it's growing. I'm pleased we're finally starting to devote some real money and resources to the problem." Under the new legislation, any U.S. citizen found to be between the ages of 12 and 20 can be jailed for up to two years for a first offense. So-called "serial teens" can be jailed for life.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close