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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Congress Approves $40 Million To Fight Teens

WASHINGTON, DC—Taking a "zero tolerance" stance against the growing problem of young adulthood in the U.S., Congress approved legislation Monday allocating $40 million toward the fight against teens. "As much as we all wish it would, the problem of teens is simply not going away in this country," Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) said. "In fact, it's growing. I'm pleased we're finally starting to devote some real money and resources to the problem." Under the new legislation, any U.S. citizen found to be between the ages of 12 and 20 can be jailed for up to two years for a first offense. So-called "serial teens" can be jailed for life.

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