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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Congress Approves $40 Million To Fight Teens

WASHINGTON, DC—Taking a "zero tolerance" stance against the growing problem of young adulthood in the U.S., Congress approved legislation Monday allocating $40 million toward the fight against teens. "As much as we all wish it would, the problem of teens is simply not going away in this country," Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) said. "In fact, it's growing. I'm pleased we're finally starting to devote some real money and resources to the problem." Under the new legislation, any U.S. citizen found to be between the ages of 12 and 20 can be jailed for up to two years for a first offense. So-called "serial teens" can be jailed for life.

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