adBlockCheck

Congress Asks Clinton For Permission To Have Congress Outside Today

Top Headlines

Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Congress Asks Clinton For Permission To Have Congress Outside Today

WASHINGTON, DC—With temperatures in the D.C. area expected to remain in the 80-degree range all week, members of the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives have formally petitioned President Clinton for permission to hold Congress outdoors on the National Mall.

House Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-GA) and fellow congressmen discuss their strategy for getting the president to let them legislate outside today.

"We, the members of the 105th Congress," reads the petition, presented to Clinton by House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-TX), "believe that we have drafted and passed legislation in a timely and prudent manner in past weeks, and otherwise conducted ourselves in a very grown-up fashion. So, can we?"

Sen. Jeff Bingaman (D-NM) said of the request: "Our conduct has been exemplary throughout recent months, yet we have not been allowed to hold Congress outside once this year. I note also that the Supreme Court has made two trips to the National Air & Space Museum as a reward for merely completing its work. This out-of-doors congressional session has been a long time coming, and we are fully confident that the president will see fit to grant it to us."

Bingaman also pointed out a kind gesture Congress made toward Clinton two months ago, when the president was welcomed home from his 12-day African visit with an oversized Manila paper greeting card signed by every member of Congress. "It said, 'Welcome back, Mr. Clinton! Hope you had a fun trip,'" Bingaman said. "We even glued glitter sparklies on it. Clearly, we deserve to go outside."

Legislators note that, despite the president calling the 105th Congress "the best Congress I've ever had"—and despite his May 1997 promise that Congress could go outside on a nice day if it passed his Omnibus Motor-Voter Registration Act—Clinton has not let the current Congress out once.

"The only time we ever get to enjoy a little sunshine while Congress is in session is when there is a fire drill, and they only do those a couple of times a year," Sen. Ron Wyden (D-OR) said. "It's not fair that all the other branches of government get to go out except us. We don't even have windows in the Senate chambers."

The Capitol lawn.

Wyden, a member of the Senate Select Subcommittee On Having Congress Outside, said there is a grassy, well-shaded spot less than 100 yards from the Capitol that would be perfect for holding Congress. "This spot to which I refer is easily large enough to accommodate the members of both houses," Wyden said. "Furthermore, there are plenty of rocks on the ground that could be used to prevent our legislative papers from blowing away, should a breeze occur."

Responding to the legislators' request, White House press secretary Mike McCurry said that, despite the absence of outdoor privileges, Clinton's treatment of Congress has been quite kind. "The president brought in a bag of fun-size Baby Ruths just a week ago, and when they finished up early on Friday, he allowed them to watch The Lion King. These are not the actions of a mean president," he said.

McCurry said the president's mind is not yet made up regarding the request. "On past occasions when Congress was permitted to conduct its affairs outside, very little legislating actually got done," he said. "Too often, legislators would begin wrestling with each other or putting dandelion heads down the backs of each other's suit jackets. I am not going to name any names, but those involved know who they are."

Responding to McCurry's remarks, members of Congress promised not to get distracted if let outside. They also said Clinton could order them back inside if they fought, threw grass, or started any trouble whatsoever.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close