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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

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President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

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James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Congress Can't Remember Last Time It Got Together And Legislated Like This

WASHINGTON—In the midst of negotiating the largest economic bailout ever proposed, congressional leaders agreed Friday that the chaos and volatility of the past week has rekindled a sense of excitement for legislation many had thought lost forever.

"We worked through the weekend, pulled a few all-nighters, and just got back into the whole legislating groove again," Rep. Brad Sherman (D-CA) said. "After all these years of not making a difference, it's nice to know we still got it, baby."

Senators looked proudly to their colleagues in the lower chamber, who weathered thousands of calls and e-mails from panicked citizens, and came together as a group for the first time in years to pass the emergency bill.

"Being able to really bang it out like this—man, it's what being a public servant is all about," said Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV), who claimed the historic bailout made him feel like he was 46 years old again. "The air inside the Senate chamber has been electric. Folks haven't been this fired up since Strom Thurmond tried to pass anti-miscegenation legislation back in '59."

The financial crisis also brought back some once-familiar faces to Capitol Hill. Former House speaker Newt Gingrich surprised a large crowd of representatives when he took the congressional stage unannounced Thursday, joining some former colleagues as he added one of his many "classic addenda" to the bill.

"Shit. It feels good to have the gang back together again," the former representative of Georgia's sixth district said. "This is why we all got into politics in the first place. Well, this and the drunken sensation of unchecked power."

Members said they didn't expect the magic to last more than a few days, but remained confident that the passion will resurface again sometime in the next five years, when emergency legislation is required to respond to roving gangs of angry citizens fighting over fresh water and kerosene.

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