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Politics

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Congress Concerned About Weirdo Senator’s Increasingly Violent Legislation

WASHINGTON—Claiming he has always been “a bit of a loner,” members of Congress expressed their deep concern Friday about Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-OR), whose legislation has reportedly become increasingly violent and disturbing in recent months. “His bills have had some pretty dark stuff in them lately, and he’s been using a lot of very brutal language and imagery,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), adding that Merkley often hangs around the Capitol Building by himself listening to his headphones and rarely ever talks during meetings of the Senate Subcommittee on Financial Institutions and Consumer Protection. “In the Rebuilding Equity Act he handed in the other week, there were several subsections in which people were getting stabbed or shot, and when I asked him to insert an amendment on mortgage loan ratios, he just added a long paragraph about watching blood pour out of somebody’s head. I’m starting to really worry about him.” Despite Merkley’s inclusion of an explicit cry for help in a bill on farm subsidies last week, sources confirmed a hold had been placed on the legislation to prevent it from ever reaching the Senate floor.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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