adBlockCheck

Congress Erases Federal Deficit Using Don Lapre 'Making Money' System

Top Headlines

Politics

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Congress Erases Federal Deficit Using Don Lapre 'Making Money' System

WASHINGTON, DC—Ushering in a new era of American economic prosperity, Congress announced Monday that the nation's $4.8 trillion federal budget deficit has been eliminated using famed infomercial pitchman Don Lapre's "Making Money" system.

"For the first time since 1891, America is in the black," Senate Budget Committee chair Pete Domenici (R-NM) said. "Finally, we as a nation can have everything we've ever wanted—a new car, a European vacation, a summer home. And we have Don Lapre and his fantastic system to thank for that."

According to Domenici, the Lapre system—which enabled ordinary federal legislators to make extraordinary sums of money right from their own Congressional chambers in less than 30 days using tiny classified ads—was initially proposed to Congress on Aug. 8 by U.S. Rep. John Kasich (R-OH).

The night before, Kasich was watching television at 3 a.m. when a half-hour advertisement for the Making Money system caught his eye. "It sounded too good to be true," said Kasich, posing with his stunning new Eurasian wife. "But everyone on the show was saying how well it worked for them. I thought, maybe Congress could try it."

Kasich's fellow legislators were skeptical at first—perhaps none more so than House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt (D-MO). "When I saw the box on Kasich's desk, I got angry at him and said, 'You went and bought that thing, didn't you?'" Gephardt said. "I figured that was 60 bucks thrown out the window. A week later, I was asking to go with him to auctions!"

"They were all sure it was just a phony get-rich-quick scheme," Kasich said. "But Lapre was adamant that ordering his system was a wise action, an act of taking responsibility for one's situation. Also, if Lapre was able to generate that much wealth all by himself out of a one-room apartment, I explained to my colleagues, just imagine what the House and Senate could do using the Capitol Building and our extensive in-house staff."

An advertisement for the Don Lapre system that helped Congress eliminate the federal deficit in less than 30 days.

Once Lapre's system arrived by mail, Kasich and his fellow legislators found the system easy to understand and follow. "We placed tiny ads in a local paper until we found ones that turned a profit, even if it was just a $30 or $40 profit," Kasich said. "Then we multiplied that ad by hundreds and hundreds of newspapers all over the country. Doing this repeatedly, it's easy to see how we quickly reached 4.8 trillion dollars. And this fantastic system was ours for only three easy payments of $19.95."

Even better news for the U.S. economy, the classified-ads scheme is just one of three quick paths to prosperity outlined in Lapre's system.

"Don also showed us how to make a killing on the real-estate market by buying distressed properties at auctions," said Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS), speaking to reporters while walking on a Hawaiian beach. "And he even showed us how to set up our own 900 number, allowing the government to make money 24 hours a day, even while sleeping."

Lapre, meanwhile, is enjoying the positive publicity generated by the end of the crippling deficit. "Congress used my system to pay off the deficit," he boasts in the latest installment of his long-running infomercial. "And the success stories do not stop there. They go on and on and on and on!"

Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT), one of the Lapre system's most vocal critics when it was first proposed in Congress, had nothing but praise Tuesday: "If there are any other world governments reading this article, who wonder if this system can also help them, I want to say, believe me. It works. And it even has a 30-day money-back guarantee, so you have nothing to lose!"

With the deficit eliminated, Congress is now taking steps to reduce the annual budget to prevent future debt. To this end, Congress has enlisted the services of TV pitchman and exercise guru Tony Little. The ponytailed, well-muscled Little, who once weighed over 300 pounds, has vowed to "trim the fat" from the budget and "whip the 1998 federal fiscal outlay into shape" in just three weeks, or Congress will get its money back.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close