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Congress Names Very Special Prosecutor

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Congress Names Very Special Prosecutor

WASHINGTON, DC—In its most inspirational appointment in years, Congress named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Baltimore boy with Down Syndrome, Very Special Prosecutor to the ongoing White House fundraising investigation Monday. "Michael is very special. He is fun, loves to laugh, and is always smiling," U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN) said. When informed of his appointment, Barnett waved a pen and said, "I’m a special boy!" He then accidentally signed an order for the Marines to seize all private property in the U.S. Thompson quickly nullified the order, saying, "Michael is very special, and I know he’ll be trying very hard. And that’s what’s important."

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